Saturday, February 4

You Would If You Loved Him

In the comments, a number of guys bemoan the fact that my david is so lucky to have me. Well yes he is, but no reason to give up on your mate!

I just finished reading a great e-book called "Sex, Fetish and Him". It's an insightful discussion of "sexual paraphilia" (the dirty nasty and fun fetishes we and our partners are all into ;-). It's targeted at reluctant wives and makes a compelling case for why we ought to be catering to our men's kinks and how to go about doing it effectively. You can buy it from Amazon and other places as an e-book for about $10.


It's by a woman named Jackie Castro. She's a professional psychologist, pro-domme, wife, and self-confessed spanko. What a combo!

It describes my david to a tee, and contains lots of terrific advice on how to dig out of him all the subtle little ins and outs of his fetish. If you are a guy and have a partner who is reluctant, this is the book to give them; if it doesn't get them spanking you, nothing will!

When talking about what it takes for a woman to participate in her man's kink, she says
I think the two most important requirements are an open mind and a sense of adventure... Participation requires education, creativity and planning. That's a lot more work than most women have to do in the bedroom.
Yes! I take the trouble to get into his fantasies and explore them at the really detailed level he loves, and then "act" them out (part of "his thing" is to pretend it is not an act, and I am happy to oblige). It's fun and fulfilling, and I found that it turns me on too (in great part because it turns him on so much). She advises,
Never make him beg for fetish play. That's something he'll find off-putting and cause him to harbor resentment.
That is important. I make it a point to cater to his kinky desires on a regular basis. J advises to treat it like cooking an exceptional meal. You need to prepare and work hard but then you can take great satisfaction in the result. I love david soooo much, and this thing is so much more important to him than any stupid meal could ever be, so it deserves way more effort from me, not less (besides, I don't like cooking!)

J had some great advice on how to go deeper into david's brain. She gave me a method, including questions to ask and lessons on how to listen and perceive that I suppose are "tricks of the trade" for psychologists. She introduced the subject as follows.
... it's you and your guy who need to communicate to pinpoint the nuances ... it's not enough for him to paint broad pictures of his fetish. As they say, the devil is in the details... you need to guide him into being very precise and descriptive about his desires so you can tailor them to his fantasies and ultimately reenact the scenario he sees in his head.
I did this with david, and oh my, the absolutely filthy degenerate things that are going on in his little mind you would not believe! I LOVE it. Ammunition for me!

In describing dominant and submissive roles, J says,

A Dominant has a very important, substantial role: she is the protector, teacher, and lover to the submissive.
I would add the traditional Catholic "mommy" and "whore" to the list. Ha Ha!

J has several chapters on the various common fetishes (20 plus miscellaneous). I can slot my man perfectly into 9 of them. It's like she's known him longer than I have. It's scary! In J's terminology, my david is into the following (with some choice insightful quotes of hers attached).
  • FemDom Domestic Disciplinary Relationships
    • "To most, the idea of punishment is what makes the lifestyle exciting. You set the rules and he's held accountable for his actions."
    • "The very act of lying over your knee is demeaning and effective for changing an 'uppity' attitude."
    • "Some women feel a sense of power with a strap-on protruding from their pelvis... Now you get to do the fucking. Wield your complete and total power and have him suck your strap-on before you use it on him... Ever wonder what it feels like to be a man? Now is your chance to experience intercourse as the one who inserts. You can make him really feel like a woman by fucking him in the ass."
  • Spanking
    • "I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that spanking fetishists require spanking in their lives. Your guy probably wishes he didn't have this desire, but it will never go away."
    • "In reality, spanking will never make an adult or even a child do something they aren't on board with. The paddle will not make your spouse take out the garbage... However, 'the threat of the paddle' can be an enjoyable tool in the context of play and certainly can make chores more fun for the spanking fetishist."
  • Humiliation
    • "Submissive males like yours interpret humiliation as an expression of their devotion."
  • Threesomes and Multiple Partners
    • "Unfortunately, no matter how much we wish it weren't true, it is. Men do think and fantasize about other women. It's a tough, bitter little pill to swallow, but it's essential if you want to truly participate in his inner sexual world."
  • Cross-Dressing
    • "Guys who think about cross-dressing within the context of embarrassment or humiliation have a completely different mindset. For them, cross-dressing is not done as a hobby or stress reliever but it's seen as punishment... The point is to put down his masculinity by making him wear 'girly' clothes."
  • Ass and Anal Play
    • "In this scenario, he doesn't 'want' to stick his tongue in your ass but is 'commanded' to perform the act..."
  • Bedroom Talk
    • "BT doesn't mean that you'll necessarily do everything you say. It's all about weaving a verbal fantasy about things you know he desires and thinks about in private."
  • Female Sexual Dominance
    • "Sexual dominance is all about attitude. You are the initiator and the director of the sexual interactions. You call the shots and allow yourself to be the recipient of ultimate pleasure."
  • Sexual Role Playing
    • "Sexual role playing is fun, enjoyable and lets you to step out of yourself for a few hours."
In addition to these, I'm totally into golden showers, but have not really gone there with david because they are not his thing. But reading this book I can say to heck with it, he's getting pee'd on!

On the "Multiple Partners" front I've gotten Sue involved in this, which runs counter to J's advice, but it's worked out nonetheless. I will definitely be giving her this book to read because it explains certain things way better than I ever could. J suggests seeking out a pro for a kinky threesome as a safe alternative. I have decided that we should do that so that we can let Sue go at her own pace with no even implicit pressure from us. I will set david with the task of lining that up! Ha Ha!

Anyways, a terrific book. Well worth the read!

59 comments:

  1. Sounds like a really interesting book. I agree 100% with the assessment for a DD relationship to work both partners need open mind and a sense of adventure. And the other thing is that it takes a lot of hard work and commitment from both sides to make it work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, when you enjoy your work it doesn’t seem to be so hard! BTW I followed your name to your blog and linked you up in my blogroll. Looking forward to reading your thoughts!

      Delete
  2. i am so blessed to have a Dominant Woman in my life who has initiated all of the above without ever having read this book...and it has turned our marriage around!...Q has effectively exposed all of my "filthy-dirty fantasy secrets"....and uses them to Her complete advantage and enjoyment! She reads Your blog too...so i won't be surprised to see Her commenting here soon!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I felt the same way as I was reading. I did most of this all by myself. Still lots of great insights to take it to the next level.

      Delete
  3. Personally I think having a third person involved is great, but I don't think a Pro would fit the bill. I believe it should be someone you know and trust.

    I might even get this book for my Wife, and for Meela, one never knows what will come of it.

    And thanks for your advice, it was genuinely appreciated.

    james

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree with you at a certain level, which is why I got Sue involved. But what is very attractive to me is hiring a real hotty, telling her exactly what I want her to do to david, and then leaving afterwards without any attachments. Sounds great compared to all the tip-toeing and worrying about how Sue will react.

      Delete
  4. wow, interesting turn or enlightment. So, if read properly, you want a threesome, FFM? and plan to pee on David, if he likes it or not. Perfect, remembering, it is all about YOUR pleasure, his is secondary. Does David know he is on his way to being a cuckold?

    Respectfully

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not so much a threesome. More another woman to involve in some role playing games with david and I. I really want to see david fucked in the ass by another woman as I watch for some reason.

      As for the golden shower, this is something we have discussed before, and david said he was not comfortable with it. I would not do something to him he was not on board with, and before reading this book I thought I should not push. On the other hand, I think he should read this book, and then I'll ask him if he is willing to cater to my kinks the same way I do to his. I think I'll wind up pee'ing on him. I usually get my way!

      Delete
    2. I really love this post and all the response. Yes, I agree that you should get your way. Many of us subs who have tasted the 'Golden Nectar' turn to love it. I for one, turn into one 'greedy sub' when offered it. Can't seem to get enough.

      Delete
    3. I hope he doesn't love it too much. What's the fun in that? Ha Ha!

      Delete
  5. Replies
    1. My pleasure!

      I followed your link to your blog, and then I checked up on the rules you must follow. I'm afraid this blog is not on the list of blogs your wife allows you to follow.

      Please do not come back and read my blog anymore until you have confessed to your wife and have her permission.

      Delete
    2. Mistress Julie,

      of course. Sorry if I offended. My wife lets me view other blogs, but currently has me limited to two which I can follow. At one time I had a long list similar to yours, but she found I spent too much time blogging and she has since curtailed it to two. I will refrain from frequenting yours though. I wish you well in the future and thx for linking mine.

      take care.

      -SH

      Delete
    3. ...and if I may, if you are looking for a book to read next, The Sleeping beauty trilogy by Anne Rice is a delight. My wife bought it for me for christmas and I am working my way through it. Also the Erskan Trilogy is wonderful as well.

      take care

      Delete
    4. Well, it took you less than hour to come back, Ha Ha!
      It seems I misunderstood. If you do have permission from your wife to view other blogs then of course you are more than welcome to read mine!

      Delete
  6. I am not sure your husband will go with the peeing issue, if he is only a spanko, careful that you do not end up over his knees for that

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He will do it because he wants to. My lilly white backside will be quite safe, thank you.

      Delete
    2. Hi Julie,
      I have never given a golden shower to my diaper sissy but you have me curious about it. What suggestions do you have? I definitely want him diapered during it.
      Thanks.

      Goddess Gretchen

      Delete
    3. I had a previous boyfriend who wanted it, but otherwise was not subby (as far as I knew - but what did I know then?). I put him in the tub and got my pussy on top of his face, then as he was licking me I let him have it. Got to be I could hardly orgasm without letting loose!

      Delete
  7. Thanks very much for the recommendation. I'll get ordering. I love reading books about BDSM - however much you think you know, there's always so much more to find out about! Fantastic title, too. Exactly ties in with my own thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It will be preaching to the choir for you, but it's always fun to find a kindred spirit where you agree with everything they say.

      Delete
  8. Ms Jacqueline has been in the scene for many years and as a professional psychologist, pro-domme, wife, and self-confessed spanko, I am sure she has much to teach. I especially like the idea of being married to a woman that not only spanks me but spanks other men as well, and may even allow me to watch or film the spankings on occasion. As you describe getting a spanking from someone she recommends would be even more of a bonus. I will be ordering the book right away, thanks for the recommendation.

    Just so you know there is a blog out there titled overherlap - overherlap. That is not me, I don't think much is going on there anyway.

    Dave

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would love to watch a pro domme at work on david. He is very keen on the idea and thinks he has found somebody good. Can't wait!

      Delete
  9. My Julie, you have moved pretty quickly it seems since i last looking in on you and and Mrs Julie! One comment i notice rang home a bit, even thou our play has dropped off the past month, was the wife watching another women fuck her sub.
    Do you see Sue doing that at some point? My wife has teased a about that, talk only, of her offering me up as a demonstator at one of those toy parties.
    Interesting comment about YOUR trainer!!

    Submissive Husband

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not sure if Sue is up to that. One of her ground rules was no sex, and while I don't consider a clothed woman dildo'ing a naked men in the ass 'sex', I'm sure others would disagree "I did not have sexual intercourse with that woman!". This is one of the things I really want, but don't want to push Sue , hence the pro makes sense. Let Sue enjoy her play entirely within her comfort zone without any pressure from me.

      Delete
  10. I would say that you are the exception and not the run. I spend 20 plus years with a woman, first wife, I felt totally sexually rejected after exposing my "dark side" issues with her. Your view that this is about having fun and exploring each other is great. Sadly that wasn't the case for me until I meet another woman and got remarried. I think both of your are very fortunate, hopefully you can maintain this attitude towards this part of your relationship.

    Thanks for the very enjoyable Blog.

    David

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad you are with somebody more compatible now, david. Sounds like it was her loss.

      Delete
    2. Some changes in life are difficult.

      For what it's worth I think that your david would be crazy as well as insensitive not give you the pleasure of acting out and enjoying your sexual dreams with him. You've certainly gone the extra mile for him and creating some wonderful sexual play. He certainly should do the same for you. david

      Delete
  11. Have you contemplated getting david a humbler?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yowza! Something like THAT would make poor david's little (are they little?) balls quite prominently displayed for the attention of your riding crop's leather tongue.

      Delete
    2. Oh my, that 'humbler' photo makes me blush! I simply MUST have one.

      Delete
  12. The devil is in the details. That line is the one that grabbed me. After many years I find this to ring true. Many men are afraid to really express their desires and we as dommes need to pull this out of them. Most men desire to be dominated by a third party as it adds to their humiliation. They crave to please and to be punished when they don't. Lack of punishment leads to all kinds of problems.

    I find these deep discussion are best had when they are naked. They may so no but their little barometers will always tell you what they like and what they don't like. It's important to pay attention to both.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, you are right. All his little kinks come out when he is bare butt naked and I am fully clothed. And it's the little details which really seem to turn him on. When he gets an idea in his head, it doesn't have to go exactly as he imagines, but he tells me there are certain key things (phrases, looks, dress, ideas, actions, emotions, whatever) that are the "key" to his fantasy. I like working those in, but in creative ways he wasn;t exactly expecting. He seems to like that.

      Delete
  13. Thanks for the tip and for the review, love it. She is a lovely spanker but love your comments as well.

    Awesome blog, ma'am.

    Ron

    ReplyDelete
  14. Julie,

    Your blog keeps getting better and better. Let me add some points from my personal perspective. For many of us, humiliation is a key to fulfilling our fantasy. Even part of the excitement of the spanking itself is the humiliation of being treated like a little boy and breaking down. But there is a difference between exciting humiliation and turn-off humiliation and that line is very individual.

    For me for example, the idea of being spanked in front of (or by!) another woman (especially a younger one)is a major excitement humiliation turn-on. On the other hand, having another man watch my spanking is a major turn-off, even if it would be humiliating.

    So some of the suggestions I made earlier (involving another younger woman or your mother) were based on my own turn-ons. Whether they would work for david can only be answered by the two of you.

    The only way to know what is a turn-on and what is a turn-off for david is to get him to tell you. But that is not always easy for it means revealing his inner-most feelings about himself and what is both exciting and humiliating! That's why I had suggested a diary from him. But you seem to have made a good start in direct discussions. Keep up the good work!

    Ken2

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You and david seem to share the same kinks, ken. He has told me almost the exact same thing about another man which is a pity because it would be fun for me to dress him all up in his girly lingerie and watch him go over a muscular man's knee. Squishy making thought!

      I have a little fantasy of taking an older man across my knee, and saying something along the lines of "How disgraceful! You're old enough to be my father."

      Delete
    2. Mistress Julie,

      some of your audience is wearing chastity devices that cause a painful response to erections. Your comment above is quite disruptive to a moring routine.

      ;-}

      -SH

      Delete
    3. just over your knee? how humiliating for david when he admitd even thou he has indicated no to the guy, he wnts that embarassment.

      Delete
  15. Great post as always...love Your enthusiasm and good humor, and looking forward to hearing about the new adventures on the horizon! Especially Your idea to bring in a pro and turn Her loose on Your poor, unsuspecting hubby...we are considering doing that as well so i'll be interested to hear how it goes and how each of you responded to it.

    Thanks also for the book review, we'll keep an eye out for that one and any more You pass along. Thanks also for adding my new blog to Your blog roll, it's a honor to know You might read it from time to time. =-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm having david make the arrangements. He will surprise me a bit so I am looking forward to it.

      Loved your latest post! J is very mean to do that to you, you poor baby!

      Delete
    2. Thanks! =-) J has become more and more wicked as She grows in Her enjoyment of our new Female led marriage, and the other night was definitely a great example! While it was (as i titled the post) a fun evening, i was sore the whole next day and am gleefully dreading what Her devilish imagination might come up with next.

      Just like Your david i may be getting "more than i bargained for," and just like Your david i am lucky for it.

      Delete
  16. Miss Julie

    My Wife allows me limited computer time so i have only recently found your blog. May i say that any lady who cares enough for her guy to try to understand his kinks is a wonderful person.

    i have been submissive my entire life, but didn't think my Wife would understand. In retropect seeing a pro, behind her back, was a huge mistake.

    For whatever reason some of us guys need a lady to boss us around.
    David is very fortunate to have found both a Wife and a Mistress in the same person. slave john

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, john.

      I'll be interested to read your story. I have linked to your blog.

      Delete
  17. Hi Julie,
    I have never given a golden shower to my diaper sissy but you have me curious about it. What suggestions do you have? I definitely want him diapered during it.
    Thanks.

    Goddess Gretchen

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not much to know about this. Stick him in the tub and pee on his face. Make sure he opens his mouth nice and wide! Careful you don't pee on your own feet.

      Delete
  18. I have not read this book, so I can't necessarily comment upon the quality, but from what you've written about this book, it appears perfect for the person who WANTS to get into this lifestyle but has no prior experience or exposure.

    It appears she has tried to address all of these different aspects and speaks somewhat in generalities. This is a good thing for the person who has no idea what is out there. But I wonder if the generalities, such as "Submissive males like yours interpret humiliation as an expression of their devotion," to do more damage than good.

    The underlying necessity is ........... desire to learn about your partner and to keep an open mind. I always go back to the idea that finding out what your partner likes and then trying to give that to your partner as much as possible is the mantra to follow. Once you follow that idea, you're golden.

    Of course, I'm speaking from my sub side - not the "dom" side. But from reading your blog, everything that David "doesn't like" is actually something he likes! I mean, if he didn't like the shopping trip, he'd refuse. If he didn't like having Sue involved, he refuse. If he doesn't like to be pee'd on, he'd refuse. The fact that he doesn't means that in the overall scheme of things, he loves it. Which is great! It's clear that you like it too, which all of this rather refreshing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're being harsh on poor Jacqueline!
      The book specifically said that generalities do not apply, and that you must talk to your man. She was just suggesting some ideas to get you thinking about things.

      Delete
  19. Julie,
    Take note of the post (and comments) over at All Mine when it's time for david's next doctor exam...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha Ha!
      He has a woman doctor. I don't think she's stuck her finger up his butt yet. Whan does that start?

      Delete
  20. Hi Julie
    Long time see you, as after returning from our vacation, I wanted to buy an Asian cane, so the shop sold me a bamboo cane which I wanted to test on my husband unlike the rattan cane I bought from Egypt(which I bought as dancing stick) this bamboo one though not more painful than the rattan one but it leaves nasty marks that stayed for a long time causing my husband to stop taking any spanking and to go to a doctor to treat them
    I am not sure if this is a feature of bamboo canes or did I use it wrongly, any way once my husband is ok we will use only slippers, hairbrush, wooden spoon, I.e coventional house spanking tools
    Maria

    ReplyDelete
  21. >>>I have a little fantasy of taking an older man across my knee, and saying something along the lines of "How disgraceful! You're old enough to be my father."<<<
    Julie, I would love to go over your knee. I wonder how you would feel, tho, if you could say "How disgraceful! You're old enough to be my grandfather."? ;-)
    Observing

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Even better!

      Provided granddad doesn't keel over from a heart attack going across a young woman's knees!

      Delete
  22. perhaps this is counter productive but i face a woman who has a firm moral religious foundation, i.e. monogamy for one, and while i seek to provide her every reason to sub me i feel this topic being brought out in the light would hold me more in contempt and disgust with her than oh wow get over my knee now!!! i continue to work in the most subtle of ways in hopes she understands that her pleasure is thru my pleasure in serving her , oh what a conundrum

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are who you are... I don't hold you in contempt and disgust. She ought not to either.

      Delete
  23. Thank you for the review of the book, maybe I will see if my wife is interested in reading it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I hope she will read it and take it seriously. I know how important it is to fellas like you.

      Delete
  24. Miss Julie,

    I have been searching for this book for over a month now. It must be out of print or no longer available. All the links to it on her site are dead. I emailed her as well as the publisher a few weeks ago but haven't received a response.

    ReplyDelete