I just finished reading a great e-book called "Sex, Fetish and Him". It's an insightful discussion of "sexual paraphilia" (the dirty nasty and fun fetishes we and our partners are all into ;-). It's targeted at reluctant wives and makes a compelling case for why we ought to be catering to our men's kinks and how to go about doing it effectively. You can buy it from Amazon and other places as an e-book for about $10.
When talking about what it takes for a woman to participate in her man's kink, she says
I think the two most important requirements are an open mind and a sense of adventure... Participation requires education, creativity and planning. That's a lot more work than most women have to do in the bedroom.Yes! I take the trouble to get into his fantasies and explore them at the really detailed level he loves, and then "act" them out (part of "his thing" is to pretend it is not an act, and I am happy to oblige). It's fun and fulfilling, and I found that it turns me on too (in great part because it turns him on so much). She advises,
Never make him beg for fetish play. That's something he'll find off-putting and cause him to harbor resentment.That is important. I make it a point to cater to his kinky desires on a regular basis. J advises to treat it like cooking an exceptional meal. You need to prepare and work hard but then you can take great satisfaction in the result. I love david soooo much, and this thing is so much more important to him than any stupid meal could ever be, so it deserves way more effort from me, not less (besides, I don't like cooking!)
J had some great advice on how to go deeper into david's brain. She gave me a method, including questions to ask and lessons on how to listen and perceive that I suppose are "tricks of the trade" for psychologists. She introduced the subject as follows.
... it's you and your guy who need to communicate to pinpoint the nuances ... it's not enough for him to paint broad pictures of his fetish. As they say, the devil is in the details... you need to guide him into being very precise and descriptive about his desires so you can tailor them to his fantasies and ultimately reenact the scenario he sees in his head.I did this with david, and oh my, the absolutely filthy degenerate things that are going on in his little mind you would not believe! I LOVE it. Ammunition for me!
In describing dominant and submissive roles, J says,
A Dominant has a very important, substantial role: she is the protector, teacher, and lover to the submissive.I would add the traditional Catholic "mommy" and "whore" to the list. Ha Ha!
J has several chapters on the various common fetishes (20 plus miscellaneous). I can slot my man perfectly into 9 of them. It's like she's known him longer than I have. It's scary! In J's terminology, my david is into the following (with some choice insightful quotes of hers attached).
- FemDom Domestic Disciplinary Relationships
- "To most, the idea of punishment is what makes the lifestyle exciting. You set the rules and he's held accountable for his actions."
- "The very act of lying over your knee is demeaning and effective for changing an 'uppity' attitude."
- "Some women feel a sense of power with a strap-on protruding from their pelvis... Now you get to do the fucking. Wield your complete and total power and have him suck your strap-on before you use it on him... Ever wonder what it feels like to be a man? Now is your chance to experience intercourse as the one who inserts. You can make him really feel like a woman by fucking him in the ass."
- "I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that spanking fetishists require spanking in their lives. Your guy probably wishes he didn't have this desire, but it will never go away."
- "In reality, spanking will never make an adult or even a child do something they aren't on board with. The paddle will not make your spouse take out the garbage... However, 'the threat of the paddle' can be an enjoyable tool in the context of play and certainly can make chores more fun for the spanking fetishist."
- "Submissive males like yours interpret humiliation as an expression of their devotion."
- Threesomes and Multiple Partners
- "Unfortunately, no matter how much we wish it weren't true, it is. Men do think and fantasize about other women. It's a tough, bitter little pill to swallow, but it's essential if you want to truly participate in his inner sexual world."
- "Guys who think about cross-dressing within the context of embarrassment or humiliation have a completely different mindset. For them, cross-dressing is not done as a hobby or stress reliever but it's seen as punishment... The point is to put down his masculinity by making him wear 'girly' clothes."
- Ass and Anal Play
- "In this scenario, he doesn't 'want' to stick his tongue in your ass but is 'commanded' to perform the act..."
- Bedroom Talk
- "BT doesn't mean that you'll necessarily do everything you say. It's all about weaving a verbal fantasy about things you know he desires and thinks about in private."
- Female Sexual Dominance
- "Sexual dominance is all about attitude. You are the initiator and the director of the sexual interactions. You call the shots and allow yourself to be the recipient of ultimate pleasure."
- Sexual Role Playing
- "Sexual role playing is fun, enjoyable and lets you to step out of yourself for a few hours."
On the "Multiple Partners" front I've gotten Sue involved in this, which runs counter to J's advice, but it's worked out nonetheless. I will definitely be giving her this book to read because it explains certain things way better than I ever could. J suggests seeking out a pro for a kinky threesome as a safe alternative. I have decided that we should do that so that we can let Sue go at her own pace with no even implicit pressure from us. I will set david with the task of lining that up! Ha Ha!
Anyways, a terrific book. Well worth the read!