Advice for Wives

I know. Talk about weird. He wants you to actually spank him!


This page is for you. The wives and girlfriends (or boyfriends!) of men who crave to be spanked. I get so many emails from male blog followers asking desperately what they can do to get their significant others to spank them. So I thought I would put up a page here for the partners of such men to assist with their research.

Who am I? I am a wife who was in exactly the same situation as you at one point. Out of the blue my husband asked me to spank his bottom. I tried it and liked it and started blogging about it. My blog chronicles my journey, but with an eye towards providing a masturbatory outlet for men like yours (sorry about that!). So while it is mostly based on our real-life experiences, I have been known to take liberties at times. It also tends to give a bit of a warped perspective of our relationship, covering off only the relatively small part of our lives that is "playtime" as if it was more than it is, and more "real-life" than it is.

As a further word of caution for those of you that decide to explore my blog. You'll find david and I occasionally share our playtime with other women - the domestic discipline equivalent of a threesome (but without the sex, just the spanking). We do this in a safe, trusting, consensual way, and it suits us. There are many others whom it does not suit, and the important thing is that you do only and exactly what makes you comfortable (and him). If he complains to you "but Julie does it!" you can tell him that for all he knows "Julie" is an Internet fantasy wife and then spank him extra hard and make him write out 1000 times "I must not compare my beautiful generous wife to anybody else" while sitting on his sore tushy (assuming you are both comfortable with that, 'natch!).


With that preamble and caution out of the way, let's dig in!

The first thing you need to do is please don't worry: you're not alone and he's not a freak. There are many "perfectly normal" men who have this interest. Try googling "women spanking men". The vast quantity of material should give you pause. In fact, men with this fetish tend to be smart and successful in my experience, and lead very normal lives.

When my husband asked me to spank him it was no idle experimentation on his part. He had been fantasizing about this act, and related acts of domestic female dominance, since he was a kid. It is extremely important to him. While he obsessed over it more and more, at the same time he kept it hidden from me, his wife, his life partner, for years out of shame and worry about how I would react, how I might think less of him "as a man". He finally plucked up the courage to just ask for it.

I, apparently, reacted in a way that is not so common. I was not horrified. I did not belittle him. I did not lose respect for him. I did not brush it off. I did not minimize it. I took his needs seriously, and I seriously tried my best to satisfy them. We tried experimenting, I asked him lots and lots of questions about it, and I did my research online. I practiced and got feedback from him. We talked a lot about his turn-ons and turn-offs. I worked at it. I made the time.

Ladies, it's not anything nearly as simple as you might imagine. I eventually found out what makes him tick and now he is getting what he needs and loves me all the more for giving it to him. I also found I had a much more attentive husband on my hands, in life and in bed, so I am a believer.

If you are a girlfriend or wife whose partner asked you to view this page, I really urge you to read what I say and use some of the resources I reference below. I also urge you to understand that your partner's needs are very real, very important to him, will not go away, and will make him miserable if he's asked to continue to suppress them. As strange as that seems, I'm dead serious.

Here is an excerpt from one of the resources I cite below. It is from Jackie Castro's book "Sex, Fetish, and Him":
You might wish that his fetish would simply disappear. Many partners mistakenly believe that if they ignore or don't acknowledge their man's fetish needs, they will eventually go away. No matter how much you want to ignore it, this is not the case. [...]

[...] Time and time again, in working with fetishists, I've seen that fetishistic sexuality is deeply ingrained. Even though many feel ashamed of their desires, they also derive a great deal of satisfaction from their personal fantasies. Reprogramming is damaging, rejecting and highly judgmental. The message he gets is that he's "broken" and needs to be "fixed".

I'm suggesting something more radical and ultimately more beneficial to you and your relationship [...]. Why not embrace and learn about an aspect of your man's sexuality which might actually enhance the bond between you and your mate? Why not accept what's been lying dormant inside your partner and join him in a unique but bonding form of sexuality?
You, as his partner, have an amazing ability to literally "wave a magic wand" and get a much more fulfilled and happy mate. In my opinion that is reason enough to put some honest, genuine, and diligent effort into helping him to fulfill these needs whether it turns your crank or not - you do love him after all.

You also need to do it properly if you're going to do it at all. Men pick up on it when it's obvious that their partners are doing it only grudgingly, wishing they did not have to. If you do it, you need to never project this, and learn to do it well and pretend you are into it even if you are not. You are more than capable of that.

But, perhaps your experience will mirror my own, and you may actually find that you have fun doing it. Lots of fun. Of course I enjoy being so essential to my man, and I love him and will do anything for him. Anything. But beyond that I feel I have worked out some issues of my own around power and male-female relations and have become more assertive and confident as a result. I also just enjoy the act itself, and get sexually turned on by wielding this power over my man.

I also am much more confident about telling him exactly what I need in the bedroom as part of our dominant wife / submissive husband roleplay. As a result, under my strict guidance he has honed certain "talents" he was lacking before.


And what's nice is that it doesn't need to be reciprocal. "Denial" is part of my husband's kink, where I get him really excited and don't finish him off, letting him go to bed hard and teasing him about it with a coy "maybe tomorrow". Very convenient for those occasions when I don't feel like performing a certain act on him, or I may be very satisfied with my orgasm and just want to roll over and go to sleep.


There are fringe benefits to this spanking thing!

So, yes, from time to time I do dominate him and enjoy it. But please understand that it is not a 24x7 thing for us. In my experience certain men have a tendency to really fixate on something and go completely overboard. In this case that may translate into an expressed desire to become your 24x7 slave. To each their own and I do not judge, but in the case of my husband and I, I do not feel that would be healthy for us. I also have little patience for when he deliberately "misbehaves" to goad me into spanking him. That's more like blackmail: "unless you give me the spanking I want I'll keep acting like that!"

Because of these tendencies that I observed in my man, one of my conditions was that when we were not playing we would be a healthy normal couple. He would take his responsibilities as a mature husband and man seriously, including on the sexual end when that is what I want from him, and never "misbehave" deliberately to earn a spanking. I find that we can switch it on and switch it off. In fact I insist we switch it on and switch it off. I did not marry a child, or a sissy, or a wimp. I married a mature man and that is what I insist on getting.

Playtime, however, is a different story. That is the time he gets to fulfill his fantasies and needs. When we play, he is not in charge of anything. I call all the shots. I do this from a position of being very well informed about his desires, and benefiting from the feedback I elicit from him from previous play sessions.

We have found that this is enough to "tame the beast" of his fetish. Acting it out during playtime allows him to express this side of himself, and keeps him happier and mentally healthier the rest of the time as well.

By "playtime" don't imagine that we go down to the basement and get out the whips and chains. He is in fact not excessively turned on by the "leather clad mistress with a whip".


Of course that's sexy for him, but he is much more turned on by the fantasy of his wife dressed in her regular clothes spanking his bottom with her hairbrush for misdeeds.


He might find the other thing sexy, but this very simple thing is what he craves. And he actually most fantasizes about ME doing it, not some fantasy girl he saw on the Internet.

Sometimes we deviate from this and do traditional roleplays during playtime: teacher and naughty student, nurse and patient, cop and juvenile delinquent, that sort of thing. This is fine if you enjoy the play-acting, but I know many women who do not. Fortunately for such cases, by far our most frequent roleplay is a role that requires very little acting on either of our parts: strict wife and submissive husband. Our "props" are undone chores around the house, excessive spending, a smart mouth, a traffic violation, and so on; the venue is anywhere around the home (and sometimes even outside of it!); and the time is very spontaneous as far as he's concerned, whenever I decide to start in on him (though you do need to work to make the time). For him it's vitally important that the playtime "blend in" to our domestic life together, and I accommodate that need.

We don't ever play when we are genuinely upset with one another, or to resolve a difference of opinion. And I don't use subjects as props that are in any way controversial: for example honest disagreements between us. Like any couple, we deal with those things as best we can by talking them out and sometimes shouting them out. These are not the subjects of our playtime.

For us, on the other hand, a good example of a playtime subject is dirty dishes in the kitchen.


Neither of us is terribly hung up over this, and I'm as liable to clean it up as he is. It's not a source of tension in our relationship in the slightest. I find he's very responsible with such things, even more so than me in fact. And that's what makes a "filthy kitchen" such a good prop for a spontaneous domestic playtime scene. Fringe benefit: I don't have to clean the kitchen that day or even feel guilty about not doing it. Hubby gets to. With a spanked bottom before and after. And showing off his bare buns in nothing but a dainty apron and heels as he stands at the sink doing the dishes by hand thank you very much.

"Hi Mom. No, not busy at all. In fact I have david doing the dishes believe it or not."

These are the sorts of things that work for us, but your mileage may vary. I know from my blog that different men crave subtly different things: subtle to us, perhaps, but vitally important to them. Men can get very fixated, and that is part of their charm. Therefore it is very important to sound out your man and discover what precisely he is craving. Then orchestrate playtime around that but without being a slave to that, and afterwards get his honest feedback (some men might even prefer to write out a letter with their feedback). You can then modify things next time around. This is getting feedback, and it's critically different than "topping from the bottom".

There is a really annoying thing called "topping from the bottom" where the man tries to control how the playtime unfolds as it's going on. "I've been such a bad boy, maybe you should put me across your knee, and use this specific hairbrush, and hit me this way, no not that way, that's too soft, that's too hard, that's in the wrong place, maybe you should put me in the corner now, it would be really bad if you put me into a pair of your panties, yada yada yada." Not tolerated!


Does he get put into my panties and get a spanking for doing that? Of course not! Why should I reward him for that kind of behaviour? He gets "playtime over, maybe we'll try again next week" - the worst conceivable punishment as far as he's concerned.


We delineate our playtime, and the time for feedback and suggestions is before and after playtime, never during, except in very tightly controlled ways using what are called "safewords".

Safewords are typically "red" and "yellow" and are words he can use during a scene. If he says "red" we must end the playtime and discuss what is going on. Playtime is entirely over for that day. He can't call red, top you from the bottom, and then go back to playing.

If he says "yellow" we continue to play. That's a clue to me that I am going too hard, beyond what he feels he can take at that moment. I can choose to react to that or not. For me it was very freeing having that as a gauge as to how hard is hard because he could take a lot more than I imagined he could. Though for some couples it can be the opposite. And it's complicated, because sometimes he could take more and sometimes less, even during the same session. He wants me to push his limits, but it's hard to know where those are at first without the "yellow" safeword because him "struggling" to get away and begging for it to stop is part of his fantasy.

"No! No! Please! Stop! Stop!"
"Not until you've learned your lesson, young man."

After a couple of years, we stopped using "yellow" as I became very attuned to his vocalizations, struggles, and shifting limits. We always keep the "red" safeword for safety's sake, though he has not had cause to use it.

If your man does crave a more intense spanking experience, it's very fortunate how perfectly engineered the human bottom is for absorbing punishment without injury! All the nerve endings are right near the skin, but the butt has nice thick layers of fat and muscle underneath to ensure that even hard spankings with fierce looking implements leave no lasting damage. I know that even though he is struggling to "take it", five minutes after it's over he'll be dancing around happy as a clam, and all the pretty marks I have left on his butt will miraculously fade within a day or two leaving a pristine white canvas I can paint on again and again. And bless his little heart, but this is exactly what he craves.

Feel free to start slow, however, and build up. Even if you never choose to go as hard as I do with my man, your man will still thank you for it. If you do want to go hard (and that is what he wants as well), I have some good guidebooks below for you to read, and I have a blog post on the subject as well called Beating your man properly to ensure you can do it safely.

That cute bottom won't stay unmarked for long!

I also know of some couples who like to switch who spanks whom from time to time. In these cases it's very important that playtime be separate from real life, and that woman on top and woman on bottom playtimes be completely segregated from one another as well. What turns his crank while on the bottom may not turn yours when you are there. For example, just because he wants it hard doesn't mean you want it that hard.

And, for the record, none of the above applies if his fetish is spanking you! Unless you are into it, he will have to suck it up. It's one thing for him to ask you to do the spanking. It's a very different thing for him to ask you to be spanked. Fortunately, the two sides of this fetish seem closely tied in some men, and it may be that his interest in spanking you can be redirected to you spanking him. I myself am not into getting spanked in the least, though my husband does have an interest in that. Nonetheless we both agree that his needs (if not his wants) can be satisfied exclusively with me doing the spanking.

For many couples, private spanking playtime satisfies his needs and is within his partner's comfort zone. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with stopping there. You are already going above and beyond.

However, there are some more extreme things one can get into. I tend to go for the extreme myself, as I am a bit of an adrenalin junky. In case you are too, I'll get into it a little here. You can also read my blog to see more of the kind of mischief we get up to!

A couple of these things is "forced cross-dressing" where I "make him" put on women's undies as "punishment" (he loves it, my little perv), and "public playtime" where I do something naughty outside of the home with other women bystanders present. In fact, I like combining those two things, for example by taking him out panty shopping making it clear the panties are for him (!)


or dragging him to Victoria's Secret to have him fitted for a bra with breast forms (!!).


That one is described without embellishment in Bra Fitting at Victoria's Secret. You would be absolutely amazed at how accepting the salesladies are with it. My husband was sooo embarrassed! And lest you fear we are offending innocent bystanders, I have found the opposite to be the case. Many women get a real kick out of seeing a wife "putting her husband in his place". It's just cruel!

And what with all this lingerie shopping you might think that my husband is a closet cross-dresser. He is anything but! He "hates" it, meaning that he gets off on the humiliation of me "making him". If he felt normal and comfortable in women's clothes, what would be the fun in that? So yes, he does get spanked in his bra

This is just so wrong! ;-)

or stood in the corner in his pretty stockings and garter belt.

Embarrassing corner time after a sound spanking.

It might be freaky, but I think it's all good fun. A woman spanking a man inherently messes with gender stereotypes, and the forced cross-dressing (and strap-on play that often goes with it) is a part of that for us more out there gals.

As I mentioned in the intro, the other "extreme" thing we do is to involve other women in our playtime.

So humiliating!

I have hired professionals, won over his in-home personal trainers, and even involved my very open-minded sister and some very good friends. If you do choose to do something like this you need to pick partners in crime you feel you can trust completely. I get a charge out of showing off my dominance over my husband like this. He, on the other hand, is incredibly embarrassed to have his spankings witnessed, but also incredibly aroused by it at the same time.

These things are all pretty extreme, and it's unlikely most women would feel comfortable doing them. I'm a bit wild myself so I love it, and there seems to be no limit to the amount of humiliation that my husband craves. But I repeat: the important thing is that you do only and exactly what makes you comfortable.

However, you can take that too far. If your comfort zone does not even extend to giving him a genuine little spanking in the privacy of your own home then, not to put too fine a point on it, I think you should just suck it up, Princess, put on your Big Girl panties, and give your man what he needs!

So that brings this article to a close. Below I have some amazing resources you can access to learn more, so please look into those.

Thank you for reading this far. Just doing this is already a wonderful act of understanding and tolerance from you. Just because he needs a spanking from his woman does not mean he is less of a man. My husband is a wonderful man, and a wonderful provider, strong in all the right ways a man should be strong, and I respect him greatly. Spanking his bottom and otherwise dominating him has become fun and sexy for us both, and fulfills a very deep seated need in him. I, for one, am incredibly happy I took the road I did, and I hope you will consider it as well. Remember what it's all about...


Resources

Strict Julie Spanks!



I would be remiss if I did not mention my own blog!  I would recommend it as a good place to get ideas to try out on your man. I have found from the comments and correspondence that many men with inclinations similar to my husband's share many fantasy elements in common with one another. So might yours. My email address is top right in my blog. I would be absolutely delighted to hear about your experiences and provide any advice I can. You can also leave comments on any blog posts. I make it a rule to read and answer each and every one. I also maintain a blog roll on the side of the blog that links to other blogs similar in nature and spirit to my own that you can also use to get ideas.

Jackie Castro

Jackie has published an entire book on the subject of this blog article called "You Would If you Loved Him". If you have any doubts about whether you should cater to your man's spanking fetish, I strongly urge you to read this book before making up your mind. If you have decided to do so, this book gives you all sorts of practical ideas on how to communicate with your man and understand his needs.


It's not a "sex book" in any way. It is a seriously written book about the psychology of these things by a professional, but written in a very accessible fashion. It's easy to get through and extremely rewarding. Available on all sorts of e-readers.

Sex, Fetish and HimHow To Cope With Your Partner's Unusual Sexual Fetish
By Jackie A. Castro, MA, LMFT
2011 Volossal Publishing
www.volossal.com

Monica Wilder

Monica Wilder was drawn into spanking a boyfriend and started blogging about it. She then wrote a series of very excellent books, two of which I cover here.


"Spanking the male mind" covers the same subject matter as this post and Jackie Castro's "You Would If you Loved Him". She comes at the subject in a less "professional" way than does Jackie, but still dealing with it as a serious topic, with tremendous sensitivity to both his needs and yours, and with a lot of fun laced in and lots of cute hand drawn images. If you are on the fence you need to read Jacqueline's book and this one both, as they are very complementary.

Spanking the Male Mind
The Smart Woman's Guide to Understanding Her Man
By Monica Wilder
Wilder Street Publishing, 2007
www.howtospankyourman.net


A second title, "How to Spank Your Man" is for the lady who has decided to take the plunge. It offers a ton of very practical advice on the more physical aspects of getting it done. Written with the novice woman in mind and in a very non-offensive and fun style that will make you see the fun in spanking as well. It's illustrated with tons of hand drawings that are cute and informative.

How to Spank Your Man
the Smart Woman's Guide to Keeping Her Guy Happy
By Monica Wilder
Wilder Street Publishing, 2008
www.howtospankyourman.net

Vivian Books

Viv is a blogger who wrote a series of books on similar topics.


"How to Give a Spanking" is a bit different than the others above because it is written from the point of view of explaining to a man why a woman wants and needs a spanking and what to do about it. However, Viv is quick to point out right from the start about those "Pesky Pronouns" and makes the point that the material is equally applicable if you are a woman considering spanking her man. It's also a bit different because Viv has much experience receiving spankings but not giving them, hence it is sub-titled "Advice from the Receiving End".

This book covers off both the psychology of spanking and some of the more practical aspects. Personally I find it delightful reading about it "from the bottom's" point of view, and find tremendous wisdom in there that I put to good use. I also find it a bit unintentionally kinky that she uses the pronoun "her" to refer to the one being spanked. I get a kick out of thinking of me as the "man", and my husband as "the little woman" in this context, "getting her panties lowered for a spanking." My husband loves this book!

How to Give a Spanking
Advice from the Receiving End
By Vivian
Variant Publishing, 2009
www.VariantBooks.com/spanking_series.html
www.HowToGiveASpanking.com

For you men reading this who want to get spanked, Viv has another book called "How To Get The Spanking You Want". This book is again written from the point of view of a woman wanting a spanking from a man, and is perhaps a little less applicable to the reverse scenario than her other book above, but still has a lot of valuable advice for you men on how to approach the woman of your dreams. You'll have to think of yourself as a "her" when reading it, but knowing your kinky little minds as I do, I'm quite sure that won't stop you. Ha ha!

How To Get The Spanking You Want
The Complete Guide to Asking for it, Getting It & Making It Better
By Vivian
Variant Publishing, 2009
www.VariantBooks.com/spanking_series.html
www.HowToGiveASpanking.com

66 comments:

  1. Honorable Strictjulie

    NIcely written.

    I got up the courage to ask my wife many years ago and she also loves it. LIke you, she has no interest being on the receiving end.

    It is hard for us to take the 24/7 idea seriously.

    I first asked a girl when I was 16, and she did not react well. I then failed to ask 3 different girlfriends who, looking back, probably would have been fine with it.

    We have tried a number of variations of the female dominant thing - some have worked better for us than others, but there are never regrets.

    Best,

    -Rosco

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for commenting. It's great to see some testimonials from guys who have forged successful relationships like this.

      Delete
    2. You do lots of souls a great service...

      Delete
  2. Thanks for publishing this. You left it waaaaay too long though. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I know. I must have written bits and pieces of it in dozens of emails. Now my emails can be much shorter!

      Delete
    2. Way too long?? I disagree. It's not the cliff notes and that is a lot of ground to cover. While I am (thank God and/or whomever) no longer in need of convincing my wife to spank me, (Ok, maybe a little more severely?) article contains some good advice & insight.

      Delete
    3. Ha ha! I'm a very positive person and interpreted the comment that I had not posted the thing earlier! (though it is quite long also)

      Delete
    4. Not too long, their is a lot to be said. I am a male spankee wannabe. I wish my wife could understand. Really loved your attitude.

      Delete
    5. He meant I should have published this blog article sooner than I did! It's just the right length, as you boys are fond of saying...

      Delete
  3. I first started looking for a girlfriend who would dominate me three or so years ago. Though I had dated women of all races in the past, during this period I was dating only white women (I am also white by the way). I thought it was best to address the subject of spanking early on, but none of the ladies I dated seemed to show interest when I brought it up. I didn't make a big deal about it, but if I didn't see any real interest, I just moved on.

    After that I started dating black women (I had dated one in the past before this) and each of the black women I asked to spank me was more than willing to let me have it. Now when my current girlfriend is mad at me for whatever reason, she does not hesitate to take her belt to my bare bottom, a condition of our relationship. When we're around her girlfriends, she loves to display her control over me and tells them they should all get a white boy of their own. As I've said before, I would love it if her girlfriends would dominate and spank me as well, but my girlfriend is just too jealous to let them have a crack at my "sexy ass" (her words, not mine).

    Thanks again Julie for your wonderful blog.

    Jim

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yummy! At the risk of being crass and/or risque, there's something just right about a black woman whipping a white man.

      Delete
    2. This is the age of political correctness. However, different "cultures" are more or less open about sex & trying things a little differently and I think you found that out and to your benefit. Good for you.

      Delete
    3. Julie: Yes, her being black is the extra spice that makes things so "right", especially when she brags to strangers how she likes to beat my white ass.

      Anon: I recently read elsewhere on the net where another white man claimed that in the world of BDSM, white women would agree to spank him only about half the time, while (as with me) black women never refused to tune up his bottom good when asked. I don't know if black women are more open to try different things or they are just more comfortable being dominant with men.

      Delete
    4. That's awesome. I have only been w/one black woman in the past but that makes me much more open to interracial dating... I never asked either the black girl or Asian girls I've been with to spank me. I never thought of it in terms of race. Interesting finding though...

      Delete
    5. Anything that encourages better race relations!

      Delete
    6. I've been spanked by a few black women, and man was it great. At least the ones I knew had a powerful natural dominance that was overpowering.

      Delete
  4. Hi, I think what you are doing is wonderful, however, in trying to be honest and open with a female reader, you may have disparaged a very legitimate form of a spanking request with this section: "Other men will say that they need "punishment" to correct their misbehaviour and make them a better mate. Nonsense! Spanking does not even work for children, let alone grown men. If spanking "corrects" his behaviour it's only because he was deliberately misbehaving before. He craves spanking from you. In what possible way could it therefore be "punishment"? It's more like blackmail: "unless you give me the spanking I want I'll keep acting like that!"

    First, your remarks are written as fact, but they are merely your assumptions.There are plenty of couples where the wife/girlfriend has learned that this request can be very genuine and that DD or "Domestic Discipline" spankings are actually very effective at amending behaviors, and I can direct you to the forums to prove it. I also happen to be in one of those relationships myself. I am surprised that you just dismissed this aspect as dishonest and manipulative.

    Now, I'm fine. I have my relationship just as we both like it. Your dismissive paragraph will not affect me one bit. But I feel bad that some poor guy who is sincerely looking for a DD arrangement may have his partner read that section and she may end up dismissing his request as "nonsense".

    Even if you believe what you wrote, you must realize that not everyone thinks as you do. Normally I love what you do, and love most of this effort as well, but I just felt, with that one section, you might be doing unintentional harm with your attempt at sincere help.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good point. I was generalizing in an unwarranted way from my own experience with this. I modified the post accordingly. And I'll delete this comment in a few days so we don't see that unfortunate paragraph anywhere!

      Delete
    2. Thanks on behalf of all the 'discipline-freaks' LOL. Seriously though, I think you are a pretty neat person, confident, yet secure enough to be open to input.That's rare. Best of luck and I really do like the post as amended.---KDP

      Delete
  5. If this is ever read by a wife who is not into spanking, doesn't understand it, but is trying to because she loves her husband, I want to say thank you. I know you think you might understand how much this means to him to want to share this with YOU but multiple that by 10000000.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the comment. Nice to read a male subby agreeing with that.

      Delete
  6. Ms. Julie,

    Thanks for doing this. I think it is an important issue that too many do not understand. My ex-wife had no use for this thing we do (TTWD), and thought I was a sick man. When we separated, she stated that I could "now associate with those kind of people." I tried to explain who "those people" are and were, but she just knew I was wrong. Perhaps with the huge expansion of information in the mainstream media, entertainment, and the internet she and others are more knowledgeable. Still, it always helps to hear it from one who has been there, done that, and lives the issue.

    Well done, Ms. Julie, and "make every stroke count, or is it count every stroke?"

    Mitch

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel like collectively apologizing for all wife-kind when I read that! Spank on, mitch!

      Delete
    2. Thanks, Ms. Julie. I have met many understanding souls ... tops, bottoms, switches, you name it ... since then who have understood their mates, and made the leap to learn

      Delete
    3. I think it's happening more and more!

      Delete
  7. Although Im a man I found myself nodding in agreement with all of your advice to women ( although being taken to be fitted for womens lingerie is a delicious cringe as yet...... but hopefully soon). The article may be subjective but it chimes with us and gives us something to emulate and enjoy Thank you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very subjective! I have limited experience (tons of experience, but with one man!). But I do know from my email that my husband is not unique. here are some very similar (strikingly so) kinks out there!

      Delete
  8. ms. Julie,
    Thank you for all you write. i am a sub husband of 10 year, in the start it was very hard for me to tell my wife what i wanted and needed, at first she did not like it, but in time she seen that it was helping me to be a better husband and lover, now we have two kind of spanking here play and punishment spankings for when i am bad, the punishment spanking are very hard for me to take and i fear them, so they help me to be better man and husband, so i try not get them, spanking is not the only punishment we do but it works the best, we do many of the things you both do and are open for new things to try,
    GREAT JOB THANK YOU, KEEP ON SPANKING!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The "punishment" spanking turns me on!

      Delete
  9. you gave excellent adive i read whole thing i would agree you are lot of male dream female spanker or love find somebody like you i sure hope find myself a female spanker

    mike
    madison ohio

    ReplyDelete
  10. A very good article! I think it will be extremely helpful to a lot of people. It coincides very much with my own experience. When I first met my partner, I was reluctant to mention spanking, having had a very negative reaction from a previous girlfriend. Then one day we had a slight disagreement about me not getting ready to go out. (I tend to leave things till the last minute.) Luckily she was in a playful mood. Instead of yelling at me, she pushed toward the bathroom to take a shower, swatting my bottom several times to make me move.

    This made me think she might be open to spanking, so later when we went to bed I brought up the subject. Like you, she did not dismiss it out of hand. She tried it and found that she enjoyed doing it! At first she just used her hand, but we have now bought a paddle. This makes a very nice sound and has the advantage that she can spank me hard enough that I can't sit down without hurting her hand!

    I was interested that you use dirty dishes as a play subject. I am sometimes untidy, one time my partner threatened me with a spanking if I didn't tidy up. A friend of ours then phoned to ask if I could help with a project she was doing. I said I could as long as it didn't take too long, I had to tidy up the apartment or my girlfriend would spank me. She assumed I was joking and laughed. If only she had known it was the truth!

    I have a question to you and to the readers: some people online say they are in relationships where the woman spanks her husband or boyfriend as discipline. Do you think these are all pure fantasies or are there women who really do spank their partner for disciplinary reasons?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Spanking an unwilling mate would be against the law (and wrong), and would not alter behavior.

      However, I think there are men who subject themselves to discipline from their wives, and wives who are willing to discipline for real reasons.

      Delete
    2. There absolutely are women who really do spank their partner for disciplinary reasons. One such is sitting on the sofa across from me. Not every spanking is for a specific disciplinary event. And not every disciplinary event requires a spanking--she has other tools.

      Delete
    3. Anon: As I stated earlier, It took me a long time to find a girlfriend who would dominate me, and I told her up front that she could to spank me any time for whatever reason she wanted. There are times when she's really mad at me and hitting my ass with all her might that I wish I would have put some conditions in there. I do try to talk my way out of punishment spankings when they are coming, and I've had some success with that. However, when she's determined to punish me, I stick by what I said and I submit to her belt.

      Jim

      Delete
    4. If this were the main body of my blog, my response would be:
      "And I hope she gives you an extra good belt whipping for trying to talk your way out your punishment!"

      This is because I try not to judge if a comment is fantasy or reality and treat everything at face value, fanning the flames either way because that's just fun!

      For my husband and I, I like to keep it very consensual. We will "pretend" to play as jim does, but actually I check in with my husband after a scene and ask if it was ok or if I was going too hard, and so on. So that's perhaps the main difference between these styles, I guess.

      Delete
  11. Wish wives will listen to you, my wife totally refuses any spanking activities.
    Moreover in my country there are no pro doms, so I was stuck. Eventually I sought the prostitutes services.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Unfortunately I've never had a wife or girlfriend who would spank me or anything dominant. I asked and tried different things but they just weren't into it and didn't want to hurt me. Closest I came was getting women to bite my nipples and squeeze my balls sometimes.
    I'm divorced now though not related to sex. I still hope to find a woman who is into spanking and domination. I've got my fancies and I'll keep looking :))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Try "speed dating". You have five minutes to get to know each other. Long enough for you to imply you are a spanko!

      Delete
  13. That's interesting, WhMs. How did your partner get into the habit of disciplining you with spankings? Were you already in a relationship when she started? I have no experience of it myself, but I can imagine it being better than nagging or arguing.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Even though I subscribe to your blog, I stopped reading it because I thought you were TOO sadistic, and I wondered, "What man would really tolerate that?"
    Now, I understand that it's very consensual, that he loves it, and I'm an avid reader again.
    My wife and I have a similar relationship. I did not have to ask her to spank me; our first date was prearranged for a dungeon party, both of us knowing she was going to do exactly that. She is a sadistic top to match my masochist bottom.
    Our code word to stop is 'purple' and I've never had to use it. We often discuss things beforehand, but once we start playing, she is in control, all I can say is OUCH.
    I also have a lingerie kink, and we've gone to dungeon parties, where she required me to wear panties-skirt-stockings.
    We have yet to incorporate other women in our play, but golly knows it's a fantasy of mine. She says, as soon as we can find someone suitable ...
    She does not use orgasm control during sex, but frequently "asks" me to put on a chastity device, and has me keep it on for a week to ten days at a time, knowing full way that I enjoy the power exchange as much as she does.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! TOO sadistic? Not seemingly possible as far as hubby is concerned. The more I dish out the more he thanks me for it. Total weirdo, but I love him! So long as there's no permanent injury or broken skin (I won't go there).

      Sounds like you guys play a lot like we do. Not sure what you mean by "orgasm control", but if it means teasing you to super, super hard, and then making you go to bed in that state (I sometimes duct-tape furry mittens onto his hands and watch him try to get himself off. Ha Ha!), then I love that!

      Delete
  15. Well glad we both want same for me a female to spank me so your hands dont get worn out spanking me lol do you ever feel like you are giving the guys here a spanking every time you reply to us

    i often wonder how many mens out there ask their wife or gf to spank them i alway still wonder out couple i see in public if the men one being spanked by the female i try look for some hint if it the giuy one get spanked

    still wish i could find a couple where the guy get spanked by his wife or gf then hoping the female would spank me too or if i go out with male we get in trouble with the wife/gf and i get spanked long side with him even knowing the guy already does get spanked by the wife/gf or iam only one getting spanked cause it was my whole fault

    mike
    madison

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, a little bit, as I have my "Dommy" personality on. Actually, now you mention it, why don't you go give yourself another spanking and send me a photo? Be a good dear.

      Delete
    2. Whattttttttttttttttttt Miss Julie i have to give myself another spankingggggggggggggggg and take pic why miss julie i been good boy guess i have do as you say or spanking be much harder much worse too

      mike
      madison ohio

      Delete
    3. And no more comments from you until I get my pics!

      Delete
  16. Many thanks for this particular blog Strict Julie! I had positive results after sharing this with my wife. She now knows a lot about my fantasies and revealing them to her has been very liberating for me. We've had several playtimes and spanking me has been a part of them. She even admitted it turned her on. The book Sex, Fetish and Him was also very helpful since I have a few other kinks in addition to spanking. We shall see how our playtime evolves :) Once again, kudos!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is so nice to hear! Good luck!

      Delete
  17. My wife and I have been together since we were young. My wife was timid but eager to please, but she did not understand the nuances of the fetish, but she could play dominant a little. So I began scripting our playtime and it has worked wonders. What I did was bought my wife a traditional nurse uniform with a traditional nurses cap. I had it embroidered to say DISCIPLINARIAN. I than created an entire "case file" on the I-pad. The scenario was that an overwhelmed housewife sent her husband for training. The case file has spousal comments and suggested punishments and training. These are pretty much work instructions for a procedure to be performed by a professional. She loved it. It gave her a lot of extra confidence. For instance I wrote, "The patient is not permitted to have an erections in when wife is not present. Under penalty of prostate milking and 12 swats with the paddle." In one fail swoop my wife understood exactly what to do. I never imagined I could get her to give me corner time with any sort of authority or understanding. In my first scripted session she put me in the corner and proceeded to lecture me while masturbating. This was thrilling, and my wife was really enjoying it. She was confident and began ad-libbing. She always works in intamacy training. So she gets 2 hours of pleasure out of it after my milking. She actually enjoys playing now because it is truly playing and fun. I hope this helps.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sounds like a great way to ease her into it!

      Delete
  18. You are a Saint to the many men that what to spanked so so badly, but can't find, convince or even tell anyone what they so badly need, crave and want. You are a very very sensitive lady to understand your husbands needs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, but i doubt the Catholic Church would agree! ;-)

      Delete
  19. Great advice and great blog. :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Shawn, I too desired as a male to be spanked, my wife even when we first dated knew my secret desire, just not into it. I purchased magazines, spent time alone in the bathroom. Our sex life was great, but this was my most wanted desire. A year or so after marriage, visiting my mother-in-law a widow, I stayed out late, when I awoke my wife was up and I was looking at my mother-in-law looking down at me. My daughter told me of your spanking wish, well you better get out of bed, pajamas off and now she said sternly. I stood nervous, naked, erect before my mother-in-law, your getting that spanking young man and hope you like it. I was over her lap and her hand stung my bare bottom and then the hairbrush. I was kicking, squirming, pleading, begging for her to stop, when she did I danced around the room rubbing, crying. She took me, with extra spanks to the kitchen, my wife looked, she handed her the hairbrush, you will be needing this she told her daughter. Well from then on the spankings are given, she decides, the spankings can lead to wearing my pajamas the rest of the day, always face the wall, no matter who shows up, yes this is what I wanted. Susan caught me once several months later alone in the bathroom with one of my magazines. Talk mad, she mad me stop, still erect, to the front room and called her mother, she was smiling when she hung up. Told to get to the bathroom, sit on the toilet I had to masturbate while she watched. When done, she cleaned me off, back to the front room and that spanking has stuck in my mind ever since.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I find spankings over her lap, naked, the best. I feel like a naughty little boy, oh the spankings hurt, but just something about naked, squirming. She just states if I'm naked I'm going to do as told, no where to run to. As for my erections, well I now stand in the bathtub and masturbate while she watches, she looks at me and said your thinking of the spanking and I say yes and soon cum. It is fun for the both of us, but I really enjoy being that naughty little boy and squirming and kicking over her lap. Sounds weird, but it is what I've always wanted.

      Delete
  21. I always ask for my spankings now >> http://sissyandwife.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  22. hi all. anyone have any idea to find a spanking leather "slapper"?
    not the heavy long ones, but the ones more the size/shape of a large hairbrush.
    thanks,

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi! Unlikely anybody will see your comment posted way back here other than me. I suggest online if your local sex or leather shops won't do. A wonderful collection at www.cane-iac.com

      Delete
  23. hi Julie! thanks for all of your wonderful advice to those who may feel "abnormal" being "into spanking". I guess my husband and I are lucky as I love to be spanked as much as he does and we incorporate role play fantasies into many aspects of our sex life. I do take him panty shopping and must admit I love to see him wearing panties as much as he likes to wear them. I especially love to make him wear panties under his clothes when we go out as just knowing he has a sexy pair of panties on makes me wet and spanking him "when we get home" is always on my mind especially so given that he has a beautiful "bubble butt" that looks nicer than mine when clad in panties. we just happen to be a couple of the "lucky ones" who are both into getting spanked so we both know the importance of giving a good spanking and none of the light slaps or paddlings that don't get the buns wiggling and cherry red just don't do. I am quite sure that there are many people who would give anything to be where we are at with our spanking fetish and after reading your blog i think you make that seemingly impossible dream a reality with your advice to us wives who want and need spanking as part of their lives....panties or not....its all wonderful. thank you. maybe i can send you a pic of his cherry red ass peeking through his sexy pink panties.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the comment! It's great that you guys play as well. And I agree on the hard spanking front!!! I would love a picture of his red butt!

      Delete