Advice for Wives

I know. Talk about weird. He wants you to actually spank him!

This page is for you. The wives and girlfriends (or boyfriends!) of men who crave to be spanked. I get so many emails from male blog followers asking desperately what they can do to get their significant others to spank them. So I thought I would put up a page here for the partners of such men to assist with their research.

Important to realize that this craving of his is only one aspect of his personality and sexuality. We all have both submissive and dominant aspects to us. I believe that if you think you only have one of those, you are just unhealthily suppressing the other. For example, while I merrily spank my husband, I am very solidly a spanked wife myself. I "scene" my husband while at the same time submit to real life spanking discipline from him. I see no contradiction. This page is exclusively about the former, me Domming him.  I could write a whole other long page about being a spanked wife also!

Who am I? I am a wife who was in exactly the same situation as you at one point. Out of the blue my husband asked me to spank his bottom. I tried it and liked it and started blogging about it. My blog chronicles my journey, but with an eye towards providing a masturbatory outlet for men like yours (sorry about that!). So while it is mostly based on our real-life experiences, I have been known to take liberties at times. It also tends to give a bit of a warped perspective of our relationship, covering off only the relatively small part of our lives that is "playtime" as if it was more than it is, and more "real-life" than it is.

As a further word of caution for those of you that decide to explore my blog. You'll find david and I occasionally share our playtime with other women - the domestic discipline equivalent of a threesome (but without the sex, just the spanking). We do this in a safe, trusting, consensual way, and it suits us. There are many others whom it does not suit, and the important thing is that you do only and exactly what makes you comfortable (and him). If he complains to you "but Julie does it!" you can tell him that for all he knows "Julie" is an Internet fantasy wife and then spank him extra hard and make him write out 1000 times "I must not compare my beautiful generous wife to anybody else" while sitting on his sore tushy (assuming you are both comfortable with that, 'natch!).

With that preamble and caution out of the way, let's dig in!

The first thing you need to do is please don't worry: you're not alone and he's not a freak. There are many "perfectly normal" men who have this interest. Try googling "women spanking men". The vast quantity of material should give you pause. In fact, men with this fetish tend to be smart and successful in my experience, and lead very normal lives.

When my husband asked me to spank him it was no idle experimentation on his part. He had been fantasizing about this act, and related acts of domestic female dominance, since he was a kid. It is extremely important to him. While he obsessed over it more and more, at the same time he kept it hidden from me, his wife, his life partner, for years out of shame and worry about how I would react, how I might think less of him "as a man". He finally plucked up the courage to just ask for it.

I, apparently, reacted in a way that is not so common. I was not horrified. I did not belittle him. I did not lose respect for him. I did not brush it off. I did not minimize it. I took his needs seriously, and I seriously tried my best to satisfy them. We tried experimenting, I asked him lots and lots of questions about it, and I did my research online. I practiced and got feedback from him. We talked a lot about his turn-ons and turn-offs. I worked at it. I made the time.

Ladies, it's not anything nearly as simple as you might imagine. I eventually found out what makes him tick and now he is getting what he needs and loves me all the more for giving it to him. I also found I had a much more attentive husband on my hands, in life and in bed, so I am a believer.

If you are a girlfriend or wife whose partner asked you to view this page, I really urge you to read what I say and use some of the resources I reference below. I also urge you to understand that your partner's needs are very real, very important to him, will not go away, and will make him miserable if he's asked to continue to suppress them. As strange as that seems, I'm dead serious.

Here is an excerpt from one of the resources I cite below. It is from Jackie Castro's book "Sex, Fetish, and Him":

You might wish that his fetish would simply disappear. Many partners mistakenly believe that if they ignore or don't acknowledge their man's fetish needs, they will eventually go away. No matter how much you want to ignore it, this is not the case. [...]

[...] Time and time again, in working with fetishists, I've seen that fetishistic sexuality is deeply ingrained. Even though many feel ashamed of their desires, they also derive a great deal of satisfaction from their personal fantasies. Reprogramming is damaging, rejecting and highly judgmental. The message he gets is that he's "broken" and needs to be "fixed".

I'm suggesting something more radical and ultimately more beneficial to you and your relationship [...]. Why not embrace and learn about an aspect of your man's sexuality which might actually enhance the bond between you and your mate? Why not accept what's been lying dormant inside your partner and join him in a unique but bonding form of sexuality?

You, as his partner, have an amazing ability to literally "wave a magic wand" and get a much more fulfilled and happy mate. In my opinion that is reason enough to put some honest, genuine, and diligent effort into helping him to fulfill these needs whether it turns your crank or not - you do love him after all.

You also need to do it properly if you're going to do it at all. Men pick up on it when it's obvious that their partners are doing it only grudgingly, wishing they did not have to. If you do it, you need to never project this, and learn to do it well and pretend you are into it even if you are not. You are more than capable of that.

But, perhaps your experience will mirror my own, and you may actually find that you have fun doing it. Lots of fun. Of course I enjoy being so essential to my man, and I love him and will do anything for him. Anything. But beyond that I feel I have worked out some issues of my own around power and male-female relations and have become more assertive and confident as a result. I also just enjoy the act itself, and get sexually turned on by wielding this power over my man.

I also am much more confident about telling him exactly what I need in the bedroom as part of our dominant wife / submissive husband roleplay. As a result, under my strict guidance he has honed certain "talents" he was lacking before.

And what's nice is that it doesn't need to be reciprocal. "Denial" is part of my husband's kink, where I get him really excited and don't finish him off, letting him go to bed hard and teasing him about it with a coy "maybe tomorrow". Very convenient for those occasions when I don't feel like performing a certain act on him, or I may be very satisfied with my orgasm and just want to roll over and go to sleep.

There are fringe benefits to this spanking thing!

So, yes, from time to time I do dominate him and enjoy it. But please understand that it is not a 24x7 thing for us. In my experience certain men have a tendency to really fixate on something and go completely overboard. In this case that may translate into an expressed desire to become your 24x7 slave. To each their own and I do not judge, but in the case of my husband and I, I do not feel that would be healthy for us. I also have little patience for when he deliberately "misbehaves" to goad me into spanking him. That's more like blackmail: "unless you give me the spanking I want I'll keep acting like that!"

Because of these tendencies that I observed in my man, one of my conditions was that when we were not playing we would be a healthy normal couple. He would take his responsibilities as a mature husband and man seriously, including on the sexual end when that is what I want from him, and never "misbehave" deliberately to earn a spanking. I find that we can switch it on and switch it off. In fact I insist we switch it on and switch it off. I did not marry a child, or a sissy, or a wimp. I married a mature man and that is what I insist on getting. In fact, I crave more a real-life full-time domestic discipline arrangement from my man when we are not playing with me as the spanked wife, and he caters to that wonderfully (ouch - my poor sore bottom :-)

Playtime, however, is a different story. That is the time he gets to fulfill his fantasies and needs. When we play, he is not in charge of anything. I call all the shots. I do this from a position of being very well informed about his desires, and benefiting from the feedback I elicit from him from previous play sessions.

We have found that this is enough to "tame the beast" of his fetish. Acting it out during playtime allows him to express this side of himself, and keeps him happier and mentally healthier the rest of the time as well.

By "playtime" don't imagine that we go down to the basement and get out the whips and chains. He is in fact not excessively turned on by the "leather clad mistress with a whip".

Of course that's sexy for him, but he is much more turned on by the fantasy of his wife dressed in her regular clothes spanking his bottom with her hairbrush for misdeeds.

He might find the other thing sexy, but this very simple thing is what he craves. And he actually most fantasizes about ME doing it, not some fantasy girl he saw on the Internet.

Sometimes we deviate from this and do traditional roleplays during playtime: teacher and naughty student, nurse and patient, cop and juvenile delinquent, that sort of thing. This is fine if you enjoy the play-acting, but I know many women who do not. Fortunately for such cases, by far our most frequent roleplay is a role that requires very little acting on either of our parts: strict wife and submissive husband. Our "props" are undone chores around the house, excessive spending, a smart mouth, a traffic violation, and so on; the venue is anywhere around the home (and sometimes even outside of it!); and the time is very spontaneous as far as he's concerned, whenever I decide to start in on him (though you do need to work to make the time). For him it's vitally important that the playtime "blend in" to our domestic life together, and I accommodate that need.

We don't ever play when we are genuinely upset with one another, or to resolve a difference of opinion. And I don't use subjects as props that are in any way controversial: for example honest disagreements between us. Like any couple, we deal with those things as best we can by talking them out and sometimes shouting them out. These are not the subjects of our playtime.

For us, on the other hand, a good example of a playtime subject is dirty dishes in the kitchen.

Neither of us is terribly hung up over this, and I'm as liable to clean it up as he is. It's not a source of tension in our relationship in the slightest. I find he's very responsible with such things, even more so than me in fact. And that's what makes a "filthy kitchen" such a good prop for a spontaneous domestic playtime scene. Fringe benefit: I don't have to clean the kitchen that day or even feel guilty about not doing it. Hubby gets to. With a spanked bottom before and after. And showing off his bare buns in nothing but a dainty apron and heels as he stands at the sink doing the dishes by hand thank you very much.

"Hi Mom. No, not busy at all. In fact I have david doing the dishes believe it or not."

These are the sorts of things that work for us, but your mileage may vary. I know from my blog that different men crave subtly different things: subtle to us, perhaps, but vitally important to them. Men can get very fixated, and that is part of their charm. Therefore it is very important to sound out your man and discover what precisely he is craving. Then orchestrate playtime around that but without being a slave to that, and afterwards get his honest feedback (some men might even prefer to write out a letter with their feedback). You can then modify things next time around. This is getting feedback, and it's critically different than "topping from the bottom".

There is a really annoying thing called "topping from the bottom" where the man tries to control how the playtime unfolds as it's going on. "I've been such a bad boy, maybe you should put me across your knee, and use this specific hairbrush, and hit me this way, no not that way, that's too soft, that's too hard, that's in the wrong place, maybe you should put me in the corner now, it would be really bad if you put me into a pair of your panties, yada yada yada." Not tolerated!

Does he get put into my panties and get a spanking for doing that? Of course not! Why should I reward him for that kind of behaviour? He gets "playtime over, maybe we'll try again next week" - the worst conceivable punishment as far as he's concerned.

We delineate our playtime, and the time for feedback and suggestions is before and after playtime, never during, except in very tightly controlled ways using what are called "safewords".

Safewords are typically "red" and "yellow" and are words he can use during a scene. If he says "red" we must end the playtime and discuss what is going on. Playtime is entirely over for that day. He can't call red, top you from the bottom, and then go back to playing.

If he says "yellow" we continue to play. That's a clue to me that I am going too hard, beyond what he feels he can take at that moment. I can choose to react to that or not. For me it was very freeing having that as a gauge as to how hard is hard because he could take a lot more than I imagined he could. Though for some couples it can be the opposite. And it's complicated, because sometimes he could take more and sometimes less, even during the same session. He wants me to push his limits, but it's hard to know where those are at first without the "yellow" safeword because him "struggling" to get away and begging for it to stop is part of his fantasy.

"No! No! Please! Stop! Stop!"
"Not until you've learned your lesson, young man."

After a couple of years, we stopped using "yellow" as I became very attuned to his vocalizations, struggles, and shifting limits. We always keep the "red" safeword for safety's sake, though he has not had cause to use it.

If your man does crave a more intense spanking experience, it's very fortunate how perfectly engineered the human bottom is for absorbing punishment without injury! All the nerve endings are right near the skin, but the butt has nice thick layers of fat and muscle underneath to ensure that even hard spankings with fierce looking implements leave no lasting damage. I know that even though he is struggling to "take it", five minutes after it's over he'll be dancing around happy as a clam, and all the pretty marks I have left on his butt will miraculously fade within a day or two leaving a pristine white canvas I can paint on again and again. And bless his little heart, but this is exactly what he craves.

Feel free to start slow, however, and build up. Even if you never choose to go as hard as I do with my man, your man will still thank you for it. If you do want to go hard (and that is what he wants as well), I have some good guidebooks below for you to read, and I have a blog post on the subject as well called Beating your man properly to ensure you can do it safely.

That cute bottom won't stay unmarked for long!

We are also one of those couples who like to switch who spanks whom from time to time. But what turns his crank while on the bottom may not turn yours when you are there. For example, just because he wants it hard doesn't mean you want it that hard.

And, for the record, none of the above applies if his fetish is exclusively spanking you! Unless you are into it, he will have to suck it up. It's one thing for him to ask you to do the spanking. It's a very different thing for him to ask you to be spanked. Fortunately, the two sides of this fetish seem closely tied in some men, and it may be that his interest in spanking you can be redirected to you spanking him if you are not into it (fortunately, I am into both).

For many couples, private spanking playtime satisfies his needs and is within his partner's comfort zone. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with stopping there. You are already going above and beyond.

However, there are some more extreme things one can get into. I tend to go for the extreme myself, as I am a bit of an adrenalin junky. In case you are too, I'll get into it a little here. You can also read my blog to see more of the kind of mischief we get up to!

A couple of these things is "forced cross-dressing" where I "make him" put on women's undies as "punishment" (he loves it, my little perv), and "public playtime" where I do something naughty outside of the home with other women bystanders present. In fact, I like combining those two things, for example by taking him out panty shopping making it clear the panties are for him (!)

or dragging him to Victoria's Secret to have him fitted for a bra with breast forms (!!).

That one is described without embellishment in Bra Fitting at Victoria's Secret. You would be absolutely amazed at how accepting the salesladies are with it. My husband was sooo embarrassed! And lest you fear we are offending innocent bystanders, I have found the opposite to be the case. Many women get a real kick out of seeing a wife "putting her husband in his place". It's just cruel!

And what with all this lingerie shopping you might think that my husband is a closet cross-dresser. He is anything but! He "hates" it, meaning that he gets off on the humiliation of me "making him". If he felt normal and comfortable in women's clothes, what would be the fun in that? So yes, he does get spanked in his bra

This is just so wrong! ;-)

or stood in the corner in his pretty stockings and garter belt.

Embarrassing corner time after a sound spanking.

It might be freaky, but I think it's all good fun. A woman spanking a man inherently messes with gender stereotypes, and the forced cross-dressing (and strap-on play that often goes with it) is a part of that for us more out there gals.

As I mentioned in the intro, the other "extreme" thing we do is to involve other women in our playtime.

So humiliating!

I have hired professionals, won over his in-home personal trainers, and even involved my very open-minded sister and some very good friends. If you do choose to do something like this you need to pick partners in crime you feel you can trust completely. I get a charge out of showing off my dominance over my husband like this. He, on the other hand, is incredibly embarrassed to have his spankings witnessed, but also incredibly aroused by it at the same time.

These things are all pretty extreme, and it's unlikely most women would feel comfortable doing them. I'm a bit wild myself so I love it, and there seems to be no limit to the amount of humiliation that my husband craves. But I repeat: the important thing is that you do only and exactly what makes you comfortable.

However, you can take that too far. If your comfort zone does not even extend to giving him a genuine little spanking in the privacy of your own home then, not to put too fine a point on it, I think you should just suck it up, Princess, put on your Big Girl panties, and give your man what he needs!

So that brings this article to a close. Below I have some amazing resources you can access to learn more, so please look into those.

Thank you for reading this far. Just doing this is already a wonderful act of understanding and tolerance from you. Just because he needs a spanking from his woman does not mean he is less of a man. My husband is a wonderful man, and a wonderful provider, strong in all the right ways a man should be strong, and I respect him greatly. Spanking his bottom and otherwise dominating him has become fun and sexy for us both, and fulfills a very deep seated need in him. I, for one, am incredibly happy I took the road I did, and I hope you will consider it as well. Remember what it's all about...

Resources

Strict Julie Spanks!

I would be remiss if I did not mention my own blog!  I would recommend it as a good place to get ideas to try out on your man. I have found from the comments and correspondence that many men with inclinations similar to my husband's share many fantasy elements in common with one another. So might yours. My email address is top right in my blog. I would be absolutely delighted to hear about your experiences and provide any advice I can. You can also leave comments on any blog posts. I make it a rule to read and answer each and every one. I also maintain a blog roll on the side of the blog that links to other blogs similar in nature and spirit to my own that you can also use to get ideas.

Jackie Castro

Jackie has published an entire book on the subject of this blog article called "Sex, Fetish and Him". If you have any doubts about whether you should cater to your man's spanking fetish, I strongly urge you to read this book before making up your mind. If you have decided to do so, this book gives you all sorts of practical ideas on how to communicate with your man and understand his needs.

It's not a "sex book" in any way. It is a seriously written book about the psychology of these things by a professional, but written in a very accessible fashion. It's easy to get through and extremely rewarding. Available on all sorts of e-readers.

Sex, Fetish and Him - How To Cope With Your Partner's Unusual Sexual Fetish
By Jackie A. Castro, MA, LMFT
2011 Volossal Publishing
www.volossal.com

Monica Wilder

[WARNING: have had two reports since 2023-03 of folks ordering the books from the below website but not receiving anything back - will update this note if I hear different]

Monica Wilder was drawn into spanking a boyfriend and started blogging about it. She then wrote a series of very excellent books, two of which I cover here.

"Spanking the male mind" covers the same subject matter as this post and Jackie Castro's "Sex, Fetish and Him". She comes at the subject in a less "professional" way than does Jackie, but still dealing with it as a serious topic, with tremendous sensitivity to both his needs and yours, and with a lot of fun laced in and lots of cute hand drawn images. If you are on the fence you need to read Jacqueline's book and this one both, as they are very complementary.

Spanking the Male Mind
The Smart Woman's Guide to Understanding Her Man
By Monica Wilder
Wilder Street Publishing, 2007
www.howtospankyourman.net

A second title, "How to Spank Your Man" is for the lady who has decided to take the plunge. It offers a ton of very practical advice on the more physical aspects of getting it done. Written with the novice woman in mind and in a very non-offensive and fun style that will make you see the fun in spanking as well. It's illustrated with tons of hand drawings that are cute and informative.

How to Spank Your Man
the Smart Woman's Guide to Keeping Her Guy Happy
By Monica Wilder
Wilder Street Publishing, 2008
www.howtospankyourman.net

Vivian Books

Viv is a blogger who wrote a series of books on similar topics.

"How to Give a Spanking" is a bit different than the others above because it is written from the point of view of explaining to a man why a woman wants and needs a spanking and what to do about it. However, Viv is quick to point out right from the start about those "Pesky Pronouns" and makes the point that the material is equally applicable if you are a woman considering spanking her man. It's also a bit different because Viv has much experience receiving spankings but not giving them, hence it is sub-titled "Advice from the Receiving End".

This book covers off both the psychology of spanking and some of the more practical aspects. Personally I find it delightful reading about it "from the bottom's" point of view, and find tremendous wisdom in there that I put to good use. I also find it a bit unintentionally kinky that she uses the pronoun "her" to refer to the one being spanked. I get a kick out of thinking of me as the "man", and my husband as "the little woman" in this context, "getting her panties lowered for a spanking." My husband loves this book!

How to Give a Spanking
Advice from the Receiving End
By Vivian
Variant Publishing, 2009
www.VariantBooks.com/spanking_series.html
www.HowToGiveASpanking.com

For you men reading this who want to get spanked, Viv has another book called "How To Get The Spanking You Want". This book is again written from the point of view of a woman wanting a spanking from a man, and is perhaps a little less applicable to the reverse scenario than her other book above, but still has a lot of valuable advice for you men on how to approach the woman of your dreams. You'll have to think of yourself as a "her" when reading it, but knowing your kinky little minds as I do, I'm quite sure that won't stop you. Ha ha!

How To Get The Spanking You Want
The Complete Guide to Asking for it, Getting It & Making It Better
By Vivian
Variant Publishing, 2009
www.VariantBooks.com/spanking_series.html
www.HowToGiveASpanking.com