Saturday, January 21

Unacceptable Fantasies

WARNING! In this post I will be exploring some of my darker fantasies around female submission including incest and rape fantasies. If you've been abused sexually, especially in a family setting, you may not want to read on. (If you're here looking for pictures of my spanked butt, go back one blog post to Schoolgirl Punishment (part 3))

So, I'll just say it. I am very turned on by the concept of Daddy Daughter sex and d/s. This is why the roleplay I am in the midst of describing involving my friend Tracy and her husband John so turned me on (see Schoolgirl Punishment). I find this sexy in many of its permutations and combinations.

I am very turned on by the idea of Dominating my Daddy. Stripping him, spanking him, whipping him, fucking him in the ass with my strap-on, and so on. Not at all domming my Mommy though. Mommy could be a partner in doing this to Daddy: that is sexy to me. I explored this quite a bit a while back in the blog. There was some elaborate fantasy/fiction illustrated by 'lil jo on this theme in Daddy Punished by Daughter and Maid; and I exposed some of my feelings in Daddy's Little Girl as well. david and I and a pro also engaged in a roleplay described in Playtime Happened: His Spanking in which I played a daughter, david my father, and the pro my stepmom and we spanked david.

For the most part it's a "Daddy Concept" rather than my real Dad, But if I focus in and think of my real Dad, I do not lose the interest. For example, if I discovered he was a closet subby spanko and Mom never spanked him, I would share with him my experiences with david and offer to spank him. I really would. Even though he is now an older man, and my father, I would still enjoy seeing his penis, teasing it with my hand into full erection, and then putting him across my knee. Well, ok, I probably wouldn't do it, but that is only because of the potential family complications. I would genuinely enjoy doing it, though.

I also enjoy playing the Daddy role myself, but with my husband as my "daughter". Me as "Daddy" mercilessly spanks and fucks his little girl! That was recently described in Daddy Spanks Daughter! and is in fact what got me going on deciding to explore my submissive side more.

As I've previously described in Daddy's Little Girl, my actual relationship with my Dad is amazing and perfectly vanilla normal (except for my flirting with him, that is, but that's on me!). He is kind and the perfect gentleman, and loves me (in the conventional sense!) I did get spanked by him once, lightly, when I was very young (and that has clearly stuck with me!). Despite this one exception, his discipline was almost entirely of the talking and lecturing nature, without "punishment" per se.

When I started playing submissively with Tracy, we somehow naturally slipped into a Mommy-Daughter dynamic in our play. Perhaps it's because she has young daughters, and her only real reference for being in charge is motherhood? Certainly from the earliest discussions of spanking, she started referring to me as "little girl" and "little missy". And I was very receptive, as my head was already thinking about Daddy-Daughter play based on the interactions with Paddle Daddy and my roleplay with my husband (only he as daughter). Then when Paddle Daddy helped Tracy, first with the letter and later by email, he continued to reinforce the idea of me as the naughty child.

When I got my first spanking from Tracy (Julie Paddled!) Paddle Daddy suggested in the letter that she put me in timeout. Here is approximately what Tracy said when she read that part:
Oh no! A timeout! I put my daughter in timeout when she's been naughty. I actually have a naughty spot for her. Just over there, in the kitchen. Should we use that? Just like my nine year old? ... Of course, she gets to keep her clothes on. Unlike you, little missy! And, also unlike you, I don't spank my kids. Although sometimes I sure feel like I want to! Tell you what, I'll take it out on your bottom then I won't want to anymore, ok?
So there's Tracy, clearly enjoying the Mommy-Daughter dynamic of our play. And then during my OTK spanking she spontaneously went into it more, and I upped the anty by referring to her directly as "Mommy":
"Are you going to clean up your room when you're told to, young lady?"
"Yes Mommy."

"All your dirty laundry in the hamper? Every time from now on?"

"Yes Mommy."
She didn't seem to mind me referring to her in that way.

So Paddle Daddy, Tracy, and I were all into the Daughter play. For me, it was my very first real submissive episode, and the fact that I gravitated to the "Daughter" was not an accident given my Daddy-Daughter fantasies.

Later on, when John got involved (Julie's Belt Licking!), he observed Tracy and I playing a bit of Mommy-Daughter, and heard references to Paddle Daddy as my Daddy, but he did not play a Daddy role at all, though he observed me in my Daughter role with Tracy, and Tracy and he do have daughters together.

However, the whole time John was involved, I was imagining him as my Daddy. Him as my Daddy and Tracy as my Mommy. Daddy would see me get my spanking. Daddy would spank me. Daddy would make me suck his penis and then fuck me. Always Daddy.

These thoughts rolled around in my head, driving me to distraction. Paddle Daddy knew about my Daddy Daughter obsession more than most, from my blog and from our correspondence. And he was inclined that way as well, so when he sent Tracy the new paddle, he suggested a Mommy-Daughter roleplay to go along with it (complete with schoolgirl skirt). Paddle Daddy missed the boat, though, when he suggested John may or may not be involved, and if he was involved he would play a School Superintendent. No way! I corrected that quickly when I heard about it, and begged for John to play my Daddy: what I had been fantasizing about.

But Paddle Daddy was only protecting me. You see, I had been reticent about allowing a male to dominate me. I had a bad sexual experience when I was in my early twenties. It was a rape. I never reported it. I didn't know his last name. I only knew he was friendly and hung around. I invited him up to my place. There was nothing subtle after that. He tied me to my bed and he raped me repeatedly. There was nothing sexy about it. I was scared out of my mind. I thought he was going to kill me when he got tired of raping me.

So as a result, I always got panic attacks when I felt myself in a submissive posture, out of my control, with a man. When david asked me to spank him, none of those feelings came up at all. I reveled in it! It was a taking back of power. In fact, I've essentially re-created my rape with my (willing) husband as the victim. No flashbacks there, no panicky feelings, only complete empowerment and ownership.

When I made the "deal" with Paddle Daddy to take paddle strokes on my butt and send him pictures, I imagined myself very much in control with my husband as the spanker. I imagined myself controlling the force of the blows through my verbalizations. I was 100% confident david would respect that, as he knows my background here. "Ok, next one harder. That's it. A little bit harder. How's it looking? Ok, one more then," and so on.

It was a complete spur of the moment thing to switch the spanker over to be Tracy. I lust after girls, and always had a "thing", never talked about, regarding Tracy. So handing her the paddle and having sex with her got all tied together in my little mind. Also, the anxiety with a woman spanker was historically there, but never as much. It was always a shadow of what I felt about a male. Almost pro-forma.

When I got to thinking about the paddling from Tracy, I found I was not panicky at all, but I was excited. Incredibly excited! She wanted to involve her husband that first time, but I nixed it completely, so he wasn't even present.

I then got paddled by Tracy. A rather severe, totally out of my control, spanking and paddling from her. I fucking loved it. I loved the submission.

What surprised me is that when she started pushing for John to be involved (she has no idea of my backstory around this), I resisted, but I also fantasized about it. More and more and more. And I did not get those panicky feelings at all when I did fantasize about it. I was worried, though, that they would appear if John was actually domming me. So I compromised. I allowed him to witness me being spanked the next time. And I was so comfortable with him, he was so careful and respectful, that I allowed myself to be put across his lap (but spanked by Tracy), and allowed him to touch me intimately during the spanking scene. In the bedroom after, I also fairly submissively blew him and jerked him off.

It was fun! Oh my gosh it was fun. I had no sense of panic whatsoever during that whole thing. Just the opposite. I wanted more Domming from him!

So this last time, that I am now in the midst of describing ("dragging out" some may say ;-), I allowed John to Dom me himself. He gave me a hard hand spanking. I was NOT in control of it (I had a safe word, but I felt as if I didn't). After that, which I have not gotten to yet in the blog, I had to "endure" a punishment fucking. Basically a rape fantasy. Exactly the sort of thing that I imagined would panic the FUCK out of me, and it didn't, and in that moment I knew with certainty it wouldn't. I was super excited by it, in fact.

So I am going to declare, that through the power of KINK, I am over it. So FUCK YOU you FUCKING ASSHOLE, you have no power over me.

Ok, that was dark. But liberating. So thank you for reading that.

Now back to my little Daddy obsession. Now that my head is clear, I see way more clearly now that Daddy - Daughter, with Daddy on top, is central to my sexuality. And this has been there since my early teens. All those other daughter variations are reflections of the central theme. Don't get me wrong. Incredibly fun reflections that I also enjoy playing with, but reflections all the same.

It appears as though my sexuality is a bit "stuck", according to Freud and Jung. Here is where I'm getting that.
[Collected From Wikipedia]
In Neo-Freudian psychology, the Electra complex, as proposed by Carl Gustav Jung, is a girl's psychosexual competition with her mother for possession of her father. In the course of her psychosexual development, the complex is the girl's phallic stage; formation of a discrete sexual identity, a boy's analogous experience is the Oedipus complex.

In classical psychoanalytic theory, the child's identification with the same-sex parent is the successful resolution of the Electra complex and of the Oedipus complex; his and her key psychological experience to developing a mature sexual role and identity. Sigmund Freud instead proposed that girls and boys resolved their complexes differently—she via penis envy, he via castration anxiety; and that unsuccessful resolutions might lead to neurosis and homosexuality. Hence, women and men who are fixated in the Electra and Oedipal stages of their psychosexual development might be considered "father-fixated" and "mother-fixated" as revealed when the mate (sexual partner) resembles the father or the mother.
Without a penis, the girl cannot sexually possess mother, as the infantile id demands. Resultantly, the girl redirects her desire for sexual union upon father, and thus progresses to heterosexual femininity, which culminates in bearing a child who replaces the absent penis.
Well, no child here, so I guess I'm stuck "redirecting my desire for sexual union upon father".

But it appears as though others are as well. As I was doing my research, I very readily came across numerous sites such as Daddy Daughter Obsession, Fantasy in a Daughter's Mind, Anna Daddy's Little Girl, Daughter with Daddy, Daddy's Good Girl, Love My Daddy, Daughter Lover, Daddy's Kinky Bad Babygirl, It's really just normal porn with younger ladies and older dudes (nothing new there) but with everything interpreted as Daddy Daughter. I think there are plenty of women posting based on my cursory glance. It seems to be a very common fantasy!

I received a note from a pen pal of mine, D, whom I have posted stuff from before (Reader Reactions to Julie's Upcoming Paddling). He is very insightful (and he makes me wet)...
Hi Julie,

I'm loving your schoolgirl series. And it has been interesting to see your evolution in regard to John. You were at points averse, afraid, reluctant, cautious and timid, yet it was obvious his involvement in your submission to Tracy was on your mind, taunting you, making you wet with the humiliating possibilities. I'm happy to see he is earning your trust, and that you are powerfully attracted to him. Isn't it thrilling to have him as the audience for your exhibitionism and to witness your ordeals under Tracy's control? And did you imagine the things you will do for him and what he is able to do to you? The scenes between the three of you are now even more sexually explosive, but for me the hottest aspect is Tracy and John, husband and wife, assuming the role of parents for schoolgirl Julie.

The schoolgirl fetish for me is not as much about school relationships, but rather centers more on a teenager's relationship with her parents -- and then, to her profound discomfort, how that parent-child relationship is exposed to the world-at-large. As you described so well, the 14-16 year-old girl has reached an age where she is learning the very potent power of her sexuality to drive both men and boys crazy. She wants to explore the role of seductress and is herself seduced by the attention she receives and her position of control. The largest threat to her newfound status is to be seen as a dependent child. She can be especially vulnerable because, beneath the bold flirtation and bravado, the actuality is a fragile little girl, inexperienced, self-conscious, and not emotionally ready to handle any true sexual attention she might receive. The schoolgirl uniform is a strong symbol for this phase of life, and when donned by an adult woman, it is her signal to all interested viewers that she is still in touch with her inner teenager. Past feelings of fresh sexual power are alive and she is craving attention. Does she also remember being fragile? What feelings is she trying to recapture in her schoolgirl uniform?

The connections are fairly evident. With John you are fragile and unsure. He is Daddy. You want to seduce him. On some level, you are being a bad girl again. Before Julie can get everything she wants, there must be punishment this time, and there will be no compromises. Your schoolgirl role play with Tracy and John is not simply role play. You, young lady, were, indeed, that teen brat. You have confessed to your horrible behavior because it is not enough that Julie-the-adult be punished as part of an adult game. Julie, the teenager, is going to get a spanking from her Mommy, the spanking that she thoroughly deserved years ago, that is now very long overdue. Do not think for a second that I dismiss this vital connection. It makes little difference that years have passed. It is not role play to remind you that you were a bad girl, old enough to know what she was doing, but now she is not too old for Daddy's paddle on her bare bottom. When you post the experience of your paddling, that is how I will see it -- a good old-fashioned spanking from your parents as a consequence of your bratty, manipulative behavior as a teenager.

I can just imagine you at 16 and the sexual power you possessed, wanting attention and to get a reaction from your father. Yes, your own father. Your mother's husband. Jumping on his lap with so little between him and the warmth of your bare, nubile body. Were you hoping he would get an erection? I have a hard one just thinking about it, and harder still imagining that young tart in disgrace over her Mommy's knee, the sounds of fire-hot scolding from the paddle as her Daddy watches. Mommy wields all sexual power in this house, and little girls who try to subvert that are taken down in spectacular fashion. What did Daddy see below the roses blossoming on those bouncing tight smooth buttocks? Your most private places, where if a man were to see, a teenage girl might just die of shame? Like you showed on your blog, both brightened and blown up, under a child's school uniform, your bare little pussy exposed for all to see?

Just after writing this, I see you've posted Part 3. This should be delicious.
In fact, D and I were writing at exactly the same time in the wee hours of the morning. In my opinion, he absolutely nailed it. I do have guilt over my flirtations with my Daddy. I do have guilt over trying to "take him" from Mommy. "Mommy wields all sexual power in this house, and little girls who try to subvert that are taken down in spectacular fashion." Yes, that is how it should have gone down. And my role play was not entirely role play. I put myself into a schoolgirl outfit, regressing myself to be that exquisitely vulnerable fourteen-year-old. I took a very painful spanking from Daddy and paddling from Mommy to atone. I also atoned by bending over and allowing my surrogate Daddy to fuck me. It was hard, and my pussy felt sore afterwards. Atonement. It felt real. It was real. That is why it was so exciting.

In my darker fantasies, alone in my bed, stroking myself, I fantasize about giving myself to my Daddy. I am his little girl. He made me. He loves me. It's only right. He is old now. I am young and nubile and exciting. Would it not be a gift to give myself completely to my Daddy? To invite him into my bed. To invite his cock into my pussy. To fuck me hard. To ejaculate deep inside of me. To impregnate me. He made me. He should do as he pleases with me, surely?

Even darker... Daddy has spanked me and whipped me. Nothing seems to help. I need to be tamed. Daddy tames me as only a man can tame a woman, with his cock. In her pussy. In her ass. She will obey from now on. I will obey from now on.

You guys must be sick and tired by now of my compulsive Daddy fantasies. But there's still more to come! Schoolgirl Punishment (part 4), coming soon...


  1. WOW!!! A very honest and open post on inner feelings. I understand your feelings with mother-daughter, daddy-daughter and submission to both. I have met and talked in detail to other women who have been raped and their feelings. Not quite as strong as yours. But are you really over it? You talked about your feeling with John. The big difference is before you were tired up and lost all control. Even though John spanked you and took you, it was with your permission you were in total control not like when you were raped. And I'm sorry to hear about that bad experience it should never happen to any one. You are trying in your own way to handle what happened to you by role playing with John and Tracy but you are in total control. My wife spanks me and quite hard leaving me with a very sore bottom. But I'm still in control and can stop it at any time even though I bare my body for her and accept how she wants to spank me. She is dominating me but I still have control.

    1. The interesting thing about a safe word is that it is entirely intellectual, not at all emotional. To your emotions, you have no safeword, just feelings.

      I don't think anybody is ever "over" anything in their life. It was part of what shaped me and I own that and embrace that. I love myself so I also must love those things from my past which shaped me.

      I also take my share of responsibility for what happened. It was stupid to invite a stranger into my apartment - but I valued my sexual liberty more.

      And no pity, please. Save it for those who need it. A good rape joke or comments about rape fantasies would be much better appreciated!

    2. No pity intended. Life is what it is and you handle yours with your head held up high. Be proud.

  2. As a male I cannot figure out why this happens, it makes no sense and disturbs me. As for the female, how they handle it, I've been told it based on their make up, how they were brought up. Bottom line I was brought up to respect all, especially females.

    1. It's criminal behaviour. No mystery. I sincerely hope he did not harm others and came to a bad end himself.

  3. I understand now better why you came proofreading the last paragraph of "the schoolgirl fetish"
    Jimmy, under your mother's orders, is going to rape you (since you are not consenting) but your mother has this idea of genius to put a mask to the cock that is going to violate you, a condom of your father.
    It is therefore your father's cock, represented by his condom, which will penetrate into you without your consent, but without you do anything for that.
    Your mother is doubly deceived because, believing she is punishing you, she realizes what you want most in the world and, without realizing it, it is herself who introduces the member of her husband into her daughter!
    Any guilt evacuated, you can surrender to this prohibited desire and enjoy as you know so well do it...
    Is not that a fine Freudian interpretation ?

    1. Very fine! And you're right. I had not thought of the condom in that way, but something about using Daddy's condom was exciting, and this is what it was!

  4. The thing that is twisted about all of this is how, when John is your Daddy, you want him to use you. I bet you want him to be creative, to find all the dirty things in your mind and make them even more perverted. To take you down as far as he can because you will do anything for Daddy. You want John to know these desires so he can do these things to you as your Daddy. I don't think you want things to end with a hard fuck, I think you want more.

    And do you want John to desire his daughters a little bit, a tenth of the way you wanted your Daddy to desire you when you jumped up in his lap in your panties? Know that for a split second he has such perverted thoughts and that you caused them? You know if you really want to fuck with him, next time wear what his daughters will be wearing very soon and not the fantasy version. Training bras and short shorts (which are still very much in) and crop tops; the kind of things in seventeen magazine.

    P.S. David better watch out, you are learning things from the other end and that information is eventually going to be very dangerous for him.

    Ted the Switch

    1. You might have missed the mark here, Ted. I did just want a good hard fuck from him. More would imply more of a relationship that I would want to pursue.

      And I really don't want him to think about his daughters like that! (Though I realize I'm not helping, and am enjoying keeping him off balance with the Daddy play!)

  5. I tried to post when I read this earlier this morning but had issues so I will try again.
    Julie posting what you have takes a lot of bravery so I really wanted to say thank you for opening up to us all!
    The things you have wrote are amazing and I can say I could see some of that in you when we wrote together.

  6. "You guys must be sick and tired by now of my compulsive Daddy fantasies."

    I don't think anyone reading your blog through this current series of posts, dealing with the schoolgirl fetish and now the Daddy/Daughter sexual fantasy, is sick and tired. This journey so far has been an interesting peek through the window of your psyche.

    This begs the question, that given what appears to be a new found excitement at being Dommed by a man, is this going to have an altering effect on your dynamic with David?

    1. Good to know. I am dragging it out absurdly, and meanwhile life and events move on that I need to blog about!

      And to answer your last question. Oh yes!

  7. Ms. Julie:
    What I believe is that yes, we are absolutely shaped by events and our experiences as we move through life. However, I have seen where an almost identical experience can affect different people,permanently,in profoundly different ways.
    So, to me, there must be an inner spark, or core solidity, independent of these experiences, which results in a person moving forward after adversity with strength and confidence, as you have.
    Now I need to come up with another theory to explain how hot looking you are.

    1. I'm sure you are correct on that. I do feel sad for "victims" of rape: those who cannot get over it.

  8. The beatings d avid gets,anger played out from your terrible experience,a attempt at revenge?The beatings (not spankings)are getting so severe it is scary.Your spankings atonement.Is david now a complete cuckold?

    1. james, I presume?
      No, you've got it quite wrong. Again.

  9. Strict Julie,

    Your blog is the only site I know of that combines such intensely hot and well-written erotica (based on real life, no less) AND fearless, thorough, and thoughtful exposure of the author’s psychological makeup. Your writings are truly remarkable, a real treasure.

    I am sorry to learn that you were raped. Of course, you didn’t deserve that. Men can be such pigs!

    I am DELIGHTED to learn that you have used kink (!) to transform your pain into positive energy. Congratulations! This is the result of being open and adventurous—qualities you have in spades. It’s no coincidence that you’ve been instrumental in many other people achieving personal growth—david, Sue, Mags, Tracy, and others, I’m sure.

    Finally, I must take issue with the title you gave this post, “Unacceptable Fantasies.” Fantasies are neither good nor bad, they just are. Some people would be uncomfortable reading about your history and your fantasies, so you were right to include a warning up front. But however dark and challenging your fantasies are, it is by accepting them that you have been able to work through them. Likewise, we readers should accept your fantasies without judgment.

    Thanks so much for the little detours you’ve put in this saga, Strict Julie. They have been most illuminating. I’m now returning to your regular programming…

    1. Thank you for that lovely note. I totally agree with you that fantasies are just fantasy. The strange workings of our subconscious minds. No judgment ever so long as they are kept in the head or even acted out safely between consenting adults.