Sandy's Story - Tom's Response

Where we left off in Sandy's Story, Sandy was about to send her boyfriend Tom an email baring her soul about her obsession with receiving spankings.

She went ahead and did that, and wrote me the following note back with Tom's immediate reaction.

Hi Julie,

Just wanted to write quickly to let you know that Tom read our note and we had a Great (capital G great!) conversation about it. He says he doesn't totally understand, but that he wants to learn. He thought having you as his "spanking coach" (his words) would be really helpful. I can't believe it took me this long to raise it with him. What a little idiot I am. You were exactly right that I needed to.

Tom says he'll create a "Tom" email address and he'll reach out to you. After our conversation I did share a link to your blog with him, but I don't know if he's visited yet. Oh, and he's fine with you publishing this stuff on your blog as "payment" if it's all anonymous and all.

But I think I should be paying you to appear on your blog. I know you have a way with words and with teasing and all. I just saw how you teased poor Mr. Daniels mercilessly about his childhood spankings. I think I'm likely to feel very embarrassed about what you have to say about me. Embarrassed in a good way. Thinking about you writing about even some of the stuff I've shared so far feels very naughty. Even though it's anonymous, it's still a bit "dangerous". I'm sure you know what I mean. And just knowing that so many people will be reading about, and commenting on, my sex life and, fingers crossed, my spanking life, is sort of exciting.

Thank you so much I don't know how I can ever repay you for even what we've accomplished so far. 🙏

Sandy

P.S. I'll start working on scanning in the juiciest bits of "Ellen's Story" [ed. note: see upcoming post], and also of the Barbarella book [ed. note: see Sandy's Story - Barbarella]. Should be done tonight or tomorrow.

I was very relieved to have received that! Phew! Had Tom reacted badly, I would have felt terrible for pushing Sandy to do this.

Based on that paragraph regarding this blog, I can see I'll have to give Sandy some good teasing for being such an irrepressible little spanko sexpot, though isn't that the kettle calling the pot black! 

I wrote back to Sandy that that was so wonderful to hear, that I am starting to like Tom very much already, and that I was really looking forward to his email. I wasn't quite prepared, though, for what I received back from him:

Strict Julie,

This is Sandy's Tom reaching out to you (not our real names, but we'll go with that). I've cc'd "Sandy" because there's been enough secrets around here. I'm hoping this is all legit and you're not some middle aged dude or something. I figure as long as we keep our real names out if it, then whatever, right?

But whatever it is, I had literally no idea Sandy was so deep into all this stuff. She mentioned about thinking spanking was sexy for her, but she didn't mention anything about being so totally obsessed with it. I have given her a few swats over my lap when she asked me to, and it was sexy to make her jiggle (she has a great butt), but I kind of have a thing about not hitting girls, so I wasn't comfortable going harder than that. I also have a thing about guys not ordering girls around either.

After her email to me, and all the talking after, I get it that it's really important to her and she's been hiding that from me. I am a little pissed off that she felt she couldn't trust me, but she explained how tough it was for her to share, which I don't totally get, but I can get over it. I know you told her off for this.

She showed me your blog, and I guess that's the definition of "obsessed". No judgment. Not true - a bit of judgement. I read the Mr. Daniels post that got her to come out to you. Some of the stuff was pretty extreme and turned me right off, but the more straight-up, more mild girl spanking was not so bad (that last one, with "Brandi" was the least bad for me). Some of the other ones, with the girl screaming across his lap, or the bruising on the butt and thighs was too much. I get it if they're being paid to do it (but worry about trafficking, coercion, and abuse). And if a girl really wants it that hard, I've got to wonder if they don't need professional psychiatric help. And also I worry about the audience for this stuff needing some help also. I know it's your thing, but I'm just trying to be honest here with what I think about it.

We've been together now almost three years, and she seems fine without the spanking stuff, so it's hard for me to understand why it's suddenly the most important thing about our relationship, and she's even hinting about breaking up over it???

But I do love her and want our relationship to grow and deepen, so I'm willing to meet her halfway on this. She says I can't spank her ass until I get some coaching from you. So what do I need to do? Send me in there, coach!

Tom

Ok, ok. Clearly a little bit of work needed there. But also some very positive attitudes in there. He had cc'd Sandy, so I wrote them both back right away:

Hi Tom,

Thank you for reaching out! Your love for Sandy and your willingness to cater to her within your own boundaries really shines through brightly. That's all anybody can ask of you.

I did have to smile a bit as I read your email. You're such a "vanilla" as we say in the spanko community. It's actually cute.

Having seen some of my blog, you probably get why I am so keen to maintain my secret identity, and so should you guys be, but it inevitably leads to questions as to whether I am who I say I am. To alleviate some of those concerns I've posted numerous photos of myself with my face concealed. I even posted a carefully cropped video of myself getting a spanking from my husband. I think it would fall within that "mild" category you speak about: https://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com/p/strick-julie-spanked-with-audio.html. I'm pretty sure you'll be able to tell I'm a girl ;-)

I have an exercise for both of you. I want you to read my column Advice for Wives and then talk to one another about it. I started off in exactly your position Tom. I knew nothing about the spanking fetish, and then my husband came to me and told me he was obsessed with spanking and wanted me to spank him. I thought a lot like you back then ("vanilla"). After learning the ropes myself, making my husband happy, and communicating via my blog with many people with vanilla partners who wanted a spanking, I wrote that column intending that their vanilla spouses read it. While the genders are flipped, it's all the same either way.

Since those days I've turned into what's called a "switch" - I like both giving and receiving spankings. In fact, I am now tilted more towards receiving, which was what attracted Sandy to my blog, so I think I really understand it from both sides now. Of course that's an entirely personal thing. It's rare for both partners to be switches, and don't think you'll ever be expected to receive a spanking, Tom (except maybe just to feel what it feels like for Sandy, especially if and when we move on to using implements, such as a hairbrush for example).

I appreciate your inclinations towards openness and honesty, Tom, and while there are circumstances (such as this one now) where it's appropriate to address both of you together, there will also be occasions where I'll want to write directly to just one or the other of you. There will be no secrets in the end, but there will be times where we need to work something through before it's suitable to be shared.

I also just wanted to double-check and get your permission in writing by email, from both of you, that it is ok for me to share this adventure on my blog, including excerpts or even entire emails that we exchange entirely at my discretion (if you inadvertently let out some information that I think would identify you, I absolutely won't post that). The reason I want to do this is the same reason I posted my Advice for Wives column. I think there are many couples in your situation that would benefit from reading about your journey. I don't do this blog for commercial gain at all, it's a pure labour of love, so I'm hoping that's ok.

Of course, it's not completely altruistic, I do also enjoy page views and enjoy engaging with my audience, and this would be great material for that. At any rate, please bear that in mind as you write, and if there's anything you write that you specifically don't want me to blog about, please indicate that. Tom and Sandy, since I was not this clear in advance, is there anything in that first email from Tom, or anything prior, that either of you are not comfortable with me sharing?

Tom, I'll write you a private follow-up to your email as well. And you both have some homework to complete for me as well!

Julie

I felt I sort of absorbed any of the (not unreasonable) hostility I felt from Tom, and turned it into a positive direction. Sandy felt it as well, and after seeing my reply, which is also the first time she saw Tom's note, immediately shot me a quick email back.

Yikes! I apologize for that email from Tom, it was pretty hostile and judgmental in places. You handled it really well though. Hoping he'll loosen up. For my part I give my approval for you to share anything and everything, including that somewhat nasty email from Tom. If he gets thrashed in the comments, he'll have deserved it.

Now, off to get some popcorn with Tom and then snuggle up and put you getting your spanking from David up on the big screen. You have a gorgeous butt. Tom will love it 😁.

Sandy

Oh my gosh. These two kids snuggled up on the sofa, popcorn bowl shared between them, my little video up on their big screen?

I blushed a bit at the thought of it, I must say. Sandy has some "game" :-)

Tom also wrote, soon after Sandy.

Sandy says I'm being a bit of an asshat with my email. Sorry if it came off like that. I'll look at that spanking later.

Glanced at it and will read that column, though it's going to be funny being written to as if I'm a chick.

Yeah, no problem with 1-1 emails also. I can see the benefit.

And yes, you have my permission to post anything Sandy or I write to you, even my asshat email that Sandy says I'll get lambasted over in your comments section. That should be entertaining.

Tom

Well, at least Tom does not seem to take offense easily. Sandy mentioned he's a Software Engineer. I kind of see that binary logic with Tom, no?

After Tom and Sandy completed my Advice for Wives exercise, Tom wrote back with Sandy's input. I was seeing a definite thawing in Tom.

Hi Julie,

Sandy and I both read that Advice blog post and we discussed it. It was a bit of a slog for me, because it was hard translating the genders in my head, but I think I get the message.

Those quotes from the Jackie Castro book hit home for me (I'll translate the genders):

You might wish that her fetish would simply disappear. Many partners mistakenly believe that if they ignore or don't acknowledge their woman's fetish needs, they will eventually go away. No matter how much you want to ignore it, this is not the case.

Time and time again, in working with fetishists, I've seen that fetishistic sexuality is deeply ingrained. Even though many feel ashamed of their desires, they also derive a great deal of satisfaction from their personal fantasies. Reprogramming is damaging, rejecting and highly judgmental. The message she gets is that she's "broken" and needs to be "fixed".

I'm suggesting something more radical and ultimately more beneficial to you and your relationship. Why not embrace and learn about an aspect of your woman's sexuality which might actually enhance the bond between you and your mate? Why not accept what's been lying dormant inside your partner and join her in a unique but bonding form of sexuality?

Those sentiments seem to apply exactly to our situation.

And then what you said:

I also urge you to understand that your partner's needs are very real, very important to her, will not go away, and will make her miserable if she's asked to continue to suppress them. As strange as that seems, I'm dead serious.

You, as her partner, have an amazing ability to literally "wave a magic wand" and get a much more fulfilled and happy mate. In my opinion that is reason enough to put some honest, genuine, and diligent effort into helping her to fulfill these needs whether it turns your crank or not - you do love her after all.

You also need to do it properly if you're going to do it at all. Women pick up on it when it's obvious that their partners are doing it only grudgingly, wishing they did not have to. If you do it, you need to never project this, and learn to do it well and pretend you are into it even if you are not. You are more than capable of that.

I'm hoping I won't have to pretend. So far it's been pretty fun.

I was also wrestling a bit with what my comfort level really is, and reading this was timely:

If your comfort zone does not even extend to giving her a genuine little spanking in the privacy of your own home then, not to put too fine a point on it, I think you should just suck it up, Princess, put on your Big Girl panties, and give your woman what she needs!

Big Girl panties are on.

Sandy understands about not topping from the bottom, as you describe.

We both read and discussed your description of the "red" and "yellow" safewords. That sounds like a good system, more to get me comfortable with the intensity she wants it at without getting to the red safeword.

The Jackie Castro book looks like a good follow-up read, but not if it's too specific to guys getting spanked. Is there an equivalent more about girls?

There was another book in the resources that you mentioned, "How to Give a Spanking" that was written with the genders the right way around. Is that a worthwhile read for me you think?

By the way, Sandy put that video of your husband spanking your ass up on the big screen tv. I acknowledge you're a girl, and that you have a great ass (It's true, but Sandy wanted me to say that). Watermelon panties are cute. Could have done without the Baby Shark on loop.

Thanks,

Tom

Excellent! And nice that Tom thinks I have a nice ass, even if Sandy made him say it. :-)

I wrote back:

Hi Guys,

Great that you read and discussed that. I was worried it may have been too much slanted for male submissives. I should really write the same sort of thing the other way around. But it looks like you skipped the irrelevant parts and got the good parts out of it.

I'm really proud of you Tom, for taking this so seriously and working so diligently.

With regards to Jackie Castro's book, I was just reviewing it now, and I do think it is too much slanted the wrong way for you. On the other hand, the most important concept of the book is what you quoted.

In terms of the "How to Give a Spanking" book, I just re-looked at it now also. I HIGHLY recommend it for you Tom. I had not re-read it since I wrote that original article, and looking at it now, it seems to perfectly suit your situation. A ton of value in there. Sandy, please go and purchase that book for Tom from here: http://www.howtogiveaspanking.com/ 

And regarding putting MY bottom up on your "big screen". I'm blushing!

Julie

Sandy wrote me back and said she had acquired the book and they were both reading it, and that it looked good so far.

"How to Give a Spanking" explains to a man why a woman wants and needs a spanking and what to do about it. It's a bit different because Viv has much experience receiving spankings but not giving them, hence it is sub-titled "Advice from the Receiving End". This book covers off both the psychology of spanking and some of the more practical aspects.

How to Give a Spanking

Advice from the Receiving End
By Vivian
Variant Publishing, 2009
www.VariantBooks.com/spanking_series.html
www.HowToGiveASpanking.com

Fun Times!